28 Days

it's worse than the movie.

So i'm in Barnes and Noble looking at the bargain priced books and rueing the day I didn't buy all the $5 hardcover classics before the New Year when I get that dreadful but familiar twitch in my ute. I think to myself, "kinda early, must be brought on by stress or exhaustion..." *eyeroll + sigh*

"can I please use your restroom?"

Because I know my bad ass ute, I am ALWAYS well prepared for this. I have an arsenal of weapons in EVERY bag, in EVERY suitcase, in EVERY car seat pocket, trunk, console, and glove compartment. If there's a zipper, there's a weapon. I'm sure Drew is still finding weapons in his car...

So I handle my lady business, buy my book and keep it moving. Maybe I'll go up to 116th and buy some red velvet cake then see what my Haarlemites are up to. If only I could shake this cold. Speaking of cold, my brother told me to take zyrtec for all the sniffling and sneezing. I told him it's a cold and not allergies but he swears by it cause it's an anti-histamine. I figure I'll start tomorrow cause i'm slightly buzzed off of mucinex AND advil cold and sinus *lightbulb* (THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS BAD! THE ADVIL HAD ME FOOLED!)

I sneeze.

That sneeze is accompanied by what I imagine your water breaking feels like. No not like you tinkled a little but actual water BREAKING, a water balloon exploding between your thighs.

I wail, "OH MY GOD!" in the middle of Union Square then cover my mouth with both hands. I squat thinking that might help something, I start to think, "thiscan'tbehappeningthiscan'tbehappeningthiscan'tbehappening.ijustleftthefuthermuckingbathroom!!!" I feel like i'm in a movie scene where the protagonist sees everything is spinning around her. "OMFG I HAVE TO GO HOME!" All of a sudden, the world music playing on my ipod is annoying every last fibre in me and so i snatch out my earbuds, run down the stairs and try to hop on the next train without realizing I need to go the downtown and brooklyn side of the platform. Back up the stairs and down the stairs across the way. I find the nearest pillar and plaster my backside against it. Now I feel like everybody knows what has happened to me. But this being NY, I bet no-one was even paying attention to me. I wish I wore something, anything that goes past my waist. I wish I wore darker jeans, I wish I wore black sweatpants, I wish the train would hurry and get me back to Brooklyn!

I stand the whole way, transfer and stand the whole of that way. Then it hits me that on the weekend, the J doesn't stop at my stop but THREE stops past it. "This can't be life. I just want to go home and hop in the shower." I debate going the three stops past it and taking a Manhattan bound train back or just taking the bus from the stop before the skips... I just want to get off the train and I do. "The bus is taking too long!" Now i'm walking with my my bag behind me, trying to cover up any indication of my uterus' maniacal game. I must've looked utterly ridiculous as I walked home more blocks than I remember this route being... I was never going to get home and everyone on the street was going to see what a mess I made of myself. Maybe I look like a middle schooler and they'll have pity on me! I'd like to say that was the last time something like this has happened but haHA! You must be crazy if you think 28 days go by without any foolishness. Remember last month in Long Island with my 3 boy cousins??

I've talked to my doctor and she has one prescription for insane uteruses: pregnancy.

At this rate, I would trade 9 months & 18+ years for being a prisoner or a mental patient or a feverish mess every 28 days for the past 16 years and however many more to come.

Who got me?

united colors

with so much drama in the PBC it's kinda hard being S-T-A-C-E but uhhh, somehow someway I keep pulling these crazy ass crackas like, every single day.

my dad said stay away from WBs. it's not that i'm attracted to them only. i'm attracted to whatever physical feat i'm digging at the time. fluffy? had several black ones and a white one. athletic? ditto. diminutive? did that (black ones are worse). if i think you're good looking, i'ma look. you can be black, white, latino, hispanic... i'm trying to get up on someone's bollywood prince but they aren't down here in the numbers i need. whatever the case, i was telling Jam about this WB in high school and i casually mentioned he had a crush on me when she interrupted with the, "Damn! You are the most WB loved black girl ever! WB shole love them some Stace!"

it's true. i've had a WB boo since the days of biker shorts and side ponys. it's very interesting; the dynamics between a WB who likes black girls and myself in comparison to full on black relationships i've been in. (more on that later)

but just cause you like me, does that mean I have to like you??

and there it is people.

as of right now, i'm trying to get up on that indian tip and stay in my lane. but if a Patel wants to holla, I'LL HOLLA!

New Wave

i feel it creeping up; a new wave of selfishness. a feeling where i don't want to answer to, check-in with, clean up for, pick up, drop off, spend time with, nada for no one. I just want to enjoy me and my time the way I see fit. no sharing of time, space, food, sheets; NOTHING. and i want to do these things without being made to feel bad about them.

this feeling stems from the trip i was scheduled to take. at first, it was like, 'ok, i'll go back to DC. he's buying, i'm flying (literally)'. as the day to leave came closer and closer, i realized, 'i don't want to go back. i didn't have fun; there's no point in me going up there just to sit around or have fake fun. why am i going again? oh yeah, cause he told me to.'

if i can just secure a job somewhere, anywhere else, i will then feel confident enough to leave the false comfort of home. i can't just move on a leap of faith. as much as i admire people who up and go with the belief they will find something when they get where they are going, i will never be that person. i need a job. i need to pay bills. it's one thing to not have a for real ass rent but the money that you are supposed to be saving only goes to material things you buy to make yourself happy.

anyway, i'm trying to get out of this pointless trip and this coddled state of mind.

Terra Hades

it all started this morning. I had that familiar contraction feeling and looked at my biological clock app. It has NOT been 32 days, you have got to be kidding me. Grrrrr... whatever the case I also remembered the outfit Cardo picked out for me and was thinking how those pants would work today. I already wanted to veto either the top or the bottom but, it's a challenge, gotta take the good with the bad.

I showered, dressed, and hit the road. i left earlier than usual so the lights were in my favor. Cool, park in my spot and thought to tidy up a bit. If I take one thing out of the car, it will be that much cleaner. Let me take this sweet tea outta here. Reach for the cup and *SWOOOOOOSH!* SWEET FUTHERMUCKING TEA ALL OVER MY ABS AND DEFINITELY IN MY LAP!!! I can't believe this! I step out of the car in hopes some of the liquid will drain into the street and I know I hollered "Fcuk my futhermucking life!" (but the real words). This can't be life right now. Now i'm standing and looking at the sweet tea soak into the drivers seat... OMG, Not cool. Okay, calm down, you have a whole closet in your trunk. I pop the trunk and get a beach towel, some yoga pants and a white tee. I try and soak up some tea from my seat but realize my clothes aren't getting any drier. Leave the towel in the seat and head to campus. My feet are slipping and sliding in the patent leather wedges Cardo picked out. Gotta get out of these too, they def won't go with yoga pants.

I change, slip into my crocs, and the day begins. It's okaaaay aside from my-uterine-region-letting-me-know-it's-still-here-and-would-like-something-to-occupy-its time and me wearing-the-clothes-I-tease-other-teachers-about *sarcasm*... then I remember pre-k is coming to visit. OMG, I have to bring out totally different centers that are age appropriate! My children are reading and writing novels! They do puzzles of dinosaur scenes! let me find some ABC puzzles and two word sentence books for their visit *grumble, grumble*

As you can imagine, the babies coming in reminded me of the WORST time of the school year... I ALWAYS forget how they come to us!!! I ALWAYS for get that they have to learn how to do EVERYTHING!!! I ALWAYS forget they don't know how to read or write! They were in a center for 5 minutes and wanted to move onto the next thing, one started crying cause the group she was paired with didn't do to library center, another one was determined to do spiderman... LAAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!

They left and my uterus REALLY started showing it's ass! Normally, the out of controlness is every other month. I have one bout it ovary who spits out eggs I'm sure will be HELLIONS once they are fertilized and I have the other one who is cool. Not this time. Cool Side wanted to be rebellious. She wanted to let me know, "Hey! I'm not going to be ignored anymore! Take THAT!" *JUDO CHOP* "and THIS!" *KAH-RAH-TAY KICK* "annnnnnnnnd FINISH HERRRRRR!" *NON-STOP RAPID FIRE PUNCHES*

Yeah, I had to take a knee. Then two knees. Then I just fell over. Some child brought me a pillow and I was laid out on the reading rug. I was moaning, I was whimpering, I was trying to find a comfortable position. I got into the fetal position "Ms. K I can see your back tattoo!!" I laid on my back, "Ms. K, I can see your star tattoo!! My mommy has a tattoo on her stomach!" The 600 mg of advil I took an hour earlier meant NOTHIIIIING. I told the children they can go to any center they want to but I should've known better. PAN.DE.MO.NI.UM.I couldn't take it. magic school bus video kept them quiet for 20 mins as I writhed in pain and thought of how I could get home cause there are more symptoms to the monthly than just cramps and I HAD to be ONLY home for them!

Silent snack time, pack your bags, y'all are going to other teachers classrooms. Then a reading coach comes in the room and sees my suffering. She helps me to the clinic where I actually start to cry from pain. As the contractions subside, I realize it's getting closer and closer for me to be getting home. That feeling is not going away. She walks me to my car and my push start doesn't work. MY PUSH START DOESN'T WORK! I CAN'T START MY CAR TO GO HOME! I take the metal key out and realize I don't know where the physical ignition is!!! OMFG, I just want to go home before I make a mess :-( She didn't drive her car today so now we're back in the clinic trying to find someone to take me home. The science lab teacher is all about it. I hobble to her car and we getting home. I'm moaning and she really wants to take me to the hospital but I tell her I've been here and done this before, I just need to go home. Of course we catch all the lights and as we turn down a side street I beg her to stop and pull over. Anything that wasn't digested due to all the attention down below comes up. I wonder if I even chew my food based on what was now in the grass on the side of the road. No wonder my metabolism is so high, my body works HARD to digest food! *yes these are thoughts between heaves*

We sit and get some fresh air. I feel 50% better. I get home and hit the bathroom for the other symptom. Not awesome. I change into looser pants and a loose fitting tee and pass out in my brother's bedroom, dreaming of who I can get to knock me up and rid me of this monthly curse.

i feel like i'm falling. i just want to hurry up and hit the ground already. where am i going? how will i get there? how will i live? do i belong there or am i just running away? running away from what?

how come senior year in high school, the prospect of going anywhere was the best thing in the world? but as someone knocking on 30s door, the possibility of shucking corn in iowa, or lobbying in dc, or teaching english in japan, or free-loading in denver is scaring the utter fcuk out of me?

I WANT STABILITY.
SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO SO I CAN DO IT CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND IT'S DEPRESSING ME.

Randoms

I know you guys think I'm kidding, but I really do wonder what Craig Mack is doing right now and like I did on Twitter, I do wonder, "What Would Craig Mack Do?". It's soooooo random but he was the first victim of Diddie so I worry about him :-(

i've taken up to running. I would rather do conditioning (the whole nine; weights, sprints, balance, agility, etc) but seeing how I don't play an organized sport for a university, that's out. I do miss the gym and having a trainer...

speaking of working out, someone said we're going to play tennis this weekend. If not, I'll continue to get my solo run on.

i've started waxing again. It's amazing to not have to worry about unwanted hair for 3 or more weeks at a time!

we've narrowed it down. Summertime. LAWD, be a cold front!

who here knows how I feel about deadlines?? Planning a wedding doesn't mesh with me... all I know is I want dark pink fabulousness. oh yeah, and a gray dress.

School isn't fun right now. I don't like pressure... I'ma flip out one day...

the political ads that simply DOG the opponent piss me off. I tweeted about one that was simply, "If you like Barack, you'll LOVE (gov candidate)." are you freaking serious?!?! THAT'S what we've come to!?!? and you know there are STUPID people out there who don't know what the fluck is going on but now know NOT to vote for someone cause an ad used psychology on they dumb asses!!!

woosah.

when a person pisses me off to no end, I call them a ninja and I qualify it with their race. "I know this white ninja did NOT ignore my question!!!!!!!!" yes, I've called DFB that a few times. One time, to his face.

I have a grown up costume for Halloween this year!!! I thiiiink, you can click my 'pix' tag and see what i wore 4 years ago. It was not a game!

My favorite ex and I keep in contact. We are the only other person each other knows who loves MJ as much as the other does (did that make sense?). I was thinking about him this morning and guess who sent me a text? Fave ex! I then told him, "I wish we lived closer! We'd be awesome friends and couples!" He replies, "Hell yeah! More ig'nant than 50 Tyson! Y'all should move!" #ChileBoo. The next place I'm moving is to a tower overlooking somebody's water! wait, that can apply where he is... okay, next place I'm moving is the M-I-Yayo!

Art Ba.sel Miami Beach is coming! I's so excited! I LOOOOOOVE visual art!! and my last issue of W mag had a ginormous article on America's most important art show!! woo hoo, can't wait! We haven't been since 2007; that needs to be fixed asap-edly!

speaking of art, I think that adds to my LOVE of Kan. He can do no wrong in my book. People like to ride on him cause he's wearing a red v-neck with hella chains but who else would have the guts to wear that? I LOVE him for that!!! Just cause you're in "hip hop" doesn't mean it has to be jeans and timbs/af1s, stop with the pigeonholing. although I didn't like the song he did on SNL, i LOVED the performance. so simple!

nevermind, people just think you drank the Ye kool-aid if you like what he does. real talk, he's up there with Barack. DON'T TALK ABOUT MY PREZ OR MY 'YE!!

I plan on getting WBW this weekend. We know what happened last time I did that... I found myself an(other) WB admirer. a marine one. BTW, we google chat once in a while... bless his crazy heart. I told him I was engaged before I put it on FB and he said I broke his heart. *snickering*. You're doing the most right now. THEE.most.

I'm ready for my hair to be long again. It was growing like wildfire when I was in the salon every 10 days... but i can't be spending money on frivolity anymore! I gots to put some away for you know, that thing I'm having sometime in the summer... LOL!

Is it too soon to try on dresses? Jam and I are ready to fly to NY and stop by kleinfelds. Anitra, we'll layover in DC and you're coming with. Dani, meet us at 133rd and White Plains. *BREAK!*

Chic-fil- a made me feel better after my trying afternoon that included ig WW, data entry, unsupervised children, and CRYING.

I don't do crying.

Today should've been Friday.

First Day

Due to all the excitement, i didn't go to bed till 4am. And in true to Adei fashion, I woke up sometime before 8a. caught up on twitter, emails, sent out more emails and texts, watched MikeNMike. Drew was knocked out after two shows and the nerves of proposing. He finally woke up around 9am and we decided we'll get breakfast on the water after running a few errands. Errands done, we take the long way to get to Hollywood Beach by driving thru the neighborhoods. I felt like we were little kids dreaming of the day when we could live in a "mansion".

We had breakfast on the water and decided the nap we were going to take was going to be epic. Go home, nap, wake up and decide I need a case for my new iTuch. To the aventura mall it is! Apul store is of course bananas so we just walk around. I tried on a couple dresses Drew saw in window displays at maxStudio and Barney's... DVF has a leather jacket i NEED in my life!! We pass wet seal and the window display has a racer girl costume! OMG, I wanted it but saw they had female prisoner, two kinds of Ms. Officer, french maid (how original), firefighter, bar wench, etc. I try on the racer girl, the prisoner, and the firefighter. Drew LOVED the same one I did so I got it! I'm wearing it to a Halloween party this Friday!!!!! Pics coming soon!

We walked some more, decided Bebe is more miss than hit, there are a lot of high end latino shops in the mall, and we should look at apartments...

!!!!!!!!!!!

We check out a couple towers that look absolutely amazing!! When I say check out, I mean drive-by, lol. We also decided to get oysters in Brickell for happy hour so we weren't trying to do any tours. Who wants to live here!?!?!??! *RAISES HAND!!*

We make it to HH and are debating on half off sushi rolls or half off bar food at a high end bar. Oysters trump toro so we go to the River. The bartender gets Drew a Toddington and I order a white russian, mine was AWESOME! We then get the oyster po boy sliders to start...






heaven







on





earth.




Soooooo cementing my want for an apps only reception!!! O.M.GAWSH those things were amazing!!! We contemplated ordering another plate (there were only 3) but decided to start on the oysters.

We've already had fanny bay and kumamoto so one to the next ones. We like east coast (bigger, saltier) more than west coast (smaller, sweeter) but are open to anything. We order three kinds, 4 each. First time down, just raw. We want to know how they taste unadorned. Cotuits from MA were SALTY as the fluck. I cringed and had to drown the next one in this cucumber wasabi dressing that is only at River. AWESOME dressing for oysters!! The cucumber is so mild and absorbent of whatever quality can be harsh.
Dabob oysters from WA were very good by themselves and even better with mingonette sauce. We converted to west coast off of that one! The lesbian couple next to us reccommended them and I thanked them profusely. On my side of the bar was a lady who Drew thinks is a high end gypsy. She was def European so I deduced Spaniard. She only eats oysters.

her explanation was fried food doesn't do her body well and it has grown accustomed to raw food so that's what she feeds it. and she drinks mingionette sauce. Yes, champagne vinegar and diced red onion is what she takes shots of. Wow.

I don't remember the names of the 3rd one or the other 3 we tried the second dozen Drew ordered. And they change daily so looking on the menu today will do me no good. I do know I got another drink, this time a Greyhound (grapefruit and vodka). That hoe bartender squeezed the liquid equivalent of a supreme into my cup and the rest was vodka. I was drunk. I was nice off the russian but by the time it was time to leave, I was wobbly. and giggly.

Drew and I make it home and I change into the gray nightgown he got me!!! Woo hoo!!! I love my gray nighty and I'm SOOOOOOOO wearing a gray wedding dress!!! He finds the aux cable and we listen to kanye's goodfriday releases from my itoones. I fall off the bed trying to rewind a line in Power remix. Yes, I was that chick who fell off the bed after two drinks. We laugh our asses off and I take to tweeting my engagement. I'm just glad I didn't make it onto FB that day cause I'd still be fielding phone calls!! Before I wrote "All my old guys know I'm the one who got away", I asked Drew if he thinks he's the one who got away from all his exes. he says, "Hell yeah! I'm a good guy!" We high five cause i think i'm a good girl for all my exes and THEN I tweet.

I'm in the silliest mood and I'm tripping myself out about the past 24 hours. Then I fall asleep! HAHAHA!

Recap- breakfast on the water, nap, window-shopping at mall, apt gazing, happy hour oysters + drinks, kanye, sleep!

Day 2- Your First Love (part 1)

I don't know how to respond to this one... how many first loves do we have? define first love? I'll go with my first thought to this topic. and then maybe a part 2 for the other thoughts.

My first love... music.

Are you really surprised?

*

I get it from my parents. I'd like to say more so my dad but come to find out, my mom has a lot of music in her background. She basically grew up in a jazz club. Her grandfather and subsequently her dad, my maternal great/grandfather were in a group called the Jazz Kings (mom's maiden name is Lamptey. It became okay for me to change my major to education because teachers are in my blood). They play the saxes. Mom told me as far back as she can remember, she and her mother would go to gigs. Mom would be so young, she'd sleep under the tables, hidden by the tablecloth. WOOOOOOW, MOM!!! HOW COOL IS THAT?!!? Grandma stopped taking her when she was 6 cause that's when the next baby (Auntie Mavis) came along.

So that's how mom contributed. Pops contributed to my love for music when I was actually around.

A major reason why Saturdays are my favorite day is that was when Pops would put records on the turn table and blast music. All the windows open "for fresh air"; jamming. The whole family (before Mini Me) would be up doing chores to Osibisa or Fela or Bob or Herbie or Isaac or Manu, Brothers Johnson, etc. Stan and I changing pillow cases and folding clothes, mom doing laundry, Pops doing the yard. Oh gosh, I remember the day on MyStace when I heard Soul Mak.ossa and it took me back to 7 years old.

*opens iToons to play song, on repeat*

I got my first turn-table when I was around 5 y.o. It was a Fisher-Price one but it played real records. I remember playing a 'baby records' (45s) like "Iron Lion Zion". Don't remember the song but I remember the title and wondering what Zion was.

So besides being inadvertent avid music listeners, the three of us children took piano lessons (I stopped when I graduated form high school) and the older two learned other instruments (clarinet and tuba for me, baritone and cello for StanKK). I went to art school in middle school for music, became the first girl to play tuba at the SOA and the high school I graduated from. My Senior Superlative was Most Musically Talented. In high school, my side hustle was teaching little kids how to play the piano.

That's it on a literal level.

Music for me is a drug. I can't not have it. It enhances my mood. When I'm elated, MJ puts an extra pep in my step. The days of trifling men and broken hearts got "Brokenhearted" (middle school) "I Can Love You" (high school) and Miseducation (college). LOL, I remember Dani text me one time, "Stop listening to Lauryn! You don't need that right now!" But she helped me! when you listen to a song enough and cried with it on repeat, you get tired of the song and the feeling associated with it. With me, it's like a light switch, "Okay, I'm over it. Wipe my tears, let's rock this." Then I play Tribe or something. LOL

My strongest memories are of course not attached to a place or scent, but to music. Right now, I'm playing Sole Makosa...

I'm seven years old on a Saturday morning, changing pillowcases. Stanley and I are running around trying to find our favorite pillow case, a khaki one with what I now know to be cherry blossoms. It doesn't matter what pillow it's on, we love that pillowcase. I got it this time. Mommy is telling us to come and start folding the clothes she just took out of the dryer. We are folding and watching The Adventures Winnie the Pooh on abc. Daddy's in the front, cutting the grass. Mommy's in the kitchen making pancakes. Big Breakfast today! I want some tea. Mommy makes me some and says I can have it when I finish folding.

Music is also what brought Drew and I together. He's a musician and an audio engineer. We became friends in high school cause we'd go to the practice rooms of the band room and play piano. Plus, we both played low brass so I sat by him. I love going to his shows and I kind of fill my photog need by being the band's photographer.

Oh, music. How I love thee. You are everything right to me in this world.

Guess What?

I've been hired by DCPS!

WOO HOO!!!!!!

Keep praying for me, I need to find a school who is in dire need of a kindergarten teacher!

and I know beggars can't be choosers, but I want a school that's predominantly "minority". Like, 70% black, 20% hispanic, 10% other.

what?

"I'd like to call up Angela and Danielle to the front... these two ladies are spending their last Sunday with us because one is moving to New York and the other is moving to California! Let's pray for them and wish them all the best!"

*applause all around*

Our Father? Cannon? What ever he is made an announcement similar to that abt 6 weeks ago. I was beaming with pride cause Dani clued me in several weeks before it all happened and I was soooo happy to see it come to be. The other one, *shoulder shrug*. I just "feel" for the liturgical ministry we'll be missing. (sarcasm)

During the peace time of service, one of the ladies I actually like* at church scurried over to me with great concern. Her face was painted with worry as she started to speak, "Angela and Dani are leaving! You're not going anywhere, are you?"

I was touched; smiled to show my appreciation and assured her I wasn't going anywhere. "No, I'm staying right here." She gushed and hugged me. "Good."

The minute I got home, I started applying to school districts in northern virginia and Washington, D.C.

*

What crossed my mind the split second after I was happy someone was worried I was leaving was, "Why can't I go?" It seemed like everyone was able to go on with their lives but I have to stay where I am? No, I don't have to stay, but it was highly recommended and strongly suggested I keep the "good" thing I have going. It started with my father "putting his foot down" when he found out I was moving out last year. Then at the end of the school year, he was all with the "So things are looking good... you don't need to go anywhere. You have your tenure, why lose that and start over wherever you're going?" etc.

You already know mom was upset I moved out last year. It took me flying to Texas for interviews for her to realize I'm really moving on with my life, 3 years after she persuaded me to come home after graduation. But when I was walking down the street in Arlington, she called me and wished me the best cause she knew it was time for me to grow up. Let's see how she takes my pending move to the DMV... it seems like I always have something up my sleeve when she's gone.

Believe it or not, my brother has not been the most supportive of my ideas to move. I'm sure in his head, he's being concerned but with questions like, "So if you move but don't get a job in DC, how will you pay your car note?" (that was the latest, there were tons more when TX was on the horizon), he makes me feel like I'm a dreamer. Maybe I do come off as a dreamer cause I've been talking a big game abt moving every summer. But people don't know what goes on in my head that prevents me from leaving.

Martina said it best once, "I know you like to keep details to yourself so stop me if I'm asking too many questions...". She's right. I've learned to keep certain things to myself. Why? Cause when I talk abt it, it doesn't seem to happen. Remember all that talk of moving back to Tally for grad school? Yeah, the whole neighborhood knew abt it (I only told Stan who told his friend and the rest his history) and it was hell getting questioned abt why I was still in WPB the following school year. "Not enough students applied so they won't be having that major this year." Then the pseudo sympathetic look...ugh.

Whatever the case, despite the haters and even the lovers who really want what's best for me and think it means staying right here, I have a support group of friends near and dear to my heart who have been praying me up. I'm counting on them and myself to make this the year I do ME. I can't stay here for you. I can't help with Koko, I can't join ECW. I can't do faux long distance, I can't be a club sponsor. I can't live with my parents, I can't do City Place. I'm too big for this big village. I love you, WPB but I love me more.

* regarding the women at my church; I speak to all of them, I tolerate many, I like very few.

Closet Purge

I've been a very good girl. I've gotten rid of clothes I don't want to wear and shoes that hurt my feet. I realized I buy things cause the cost is too good to let go, but what is it really worth if I wear it once? Yeah the shoes are more than fabulous but do I have to absolutely curse myself out EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I wear them? and promise my feet, "If you get me to the car, I promise I'll never wear these again, I beg you."?

Clothes-wise, I got rid of adult tees. Specifically, Benoyst Farms tees. I don't plan on being there next year (I have a job interview with Arlington Independent School District in April!!!) and I never liked the shirts anyway. I really shouldn't have a million tees; all different colors. I guess when your official colors are mint and rust, there's nothing you can do paraphenalia wise...

I also got rid of a lot of Forever 21 dresses. They SCREAM "college student". That halter dress made by Polly and Ester? Not my friend. If I'm going to a club where that dress/fabric is appropro, shoot me.

I got rid of some straw stuff I used to be in love with. OMG, bags, shoes, hats... there is one hat I kept; I giant sunhat with a pink tiger lily tied to it. I'm keeping and using that one this year!

Shoes. Dear sweet shoes. I donated two Meve Staddens that I knew were too small but had to have anyway. I don't have navy blue shoes! I had to get those to match with the one navy fitted tee I own! Yeah, I wore them ONCE and didn't even make it thru writing block (8-835am). The other pair was my black pumps with the chrome heel. Those shoes were BAAAAAD. But those are also the ones that have me cursing at myself. I (stupidly) wore them to the club one time... I know I was that person I make fun of, the one who looks like her life will end if she has to take one more step in the shoes she's wearing. I was able to get more than one wear out of those. I actually got a lot of wear out of them. I'd wear them to school, take them off in the classroom and wear them in the hallway, holla.

The last pair of shoes I gave up were some white on white shell toes. but the white wasn't so white anymore. But, I'm not like fat.jose; I don't get rid of shoes once they touch the ground. I've had these joints for a couple of years. The shell-toe part was damn near yellow. Nope, gotta go.

Now I'm at a crossroads. I have a dark gray, zip-up, princess sleeve jean jacket from the GAP. I haven't worn it in a couple of years but it's denim. You don't toss denim, do you? Especially not GAP denim. paris blues and LEI from highschool, yes. Classic GAP and Levis, I think not.

Now since I'm getting rid of clothes and shoes, it's only appropriate I replace them, right?? Hee, hee. I bought 3 dresses and a pair of shoes. a black wrap dress, a white and silver mod dress with pockets, and a sunshine yellow a-line dress. the shoes are some patent leather joints that were on sale. oh yeah! Now for some sneakers...

Music and Me

"We've been... together... for such a long time. Music. Music. and me" -MJJ 'Music & Me'

I don't even remember when I got my first record. I feel like it was a Cabbage Patch Christmas back in '86. And I vividly remember ordering The Best of the Monkees from a 1-800 number sometime around kindergarten... how could those phone representatives take an order from a 5 or 6 year old!?!? Well, I can see how a couple girls in my class could get on the phone and order something. Yeah, our voices are little but we are very matter-of-fact. I knew I wanted that double record and I had StanKK's support (lol, he was 4, what'd he know??). It was COD and Mommy paid for it; one of my fondest memories of her *ahhh*.

I remember playing my dad's Bob Marley records on my FP and wondering, "What is Zion? Is that a bad version of a lion? I don't think I should be listening to a bad lion." and quickly switching to my cindy lopper 'true colors' joint. My favorite track was "Iko. Iko". StanKK and I would sing and have a blast. Let's see if I remember what we thought the words were...

"My grandma and your grandma, sitting by the fire. My grandma told your grandma she's gonna set your flag on fire"

Now what are the real words...

Iko*Iko Lyrics

Not bad!

I would be remiss if I didn't mention MJ. I had 'Bad' on vinyl. Fave song was "Just Go.od Friends" feat Stevie W0nder. *aahhh*

So those were the good music days. Then I got heavy into the radio; Hi-5, Immature, Jodeci, Tevin Campbell, Soul4Real, etc. Was music better or were we just younger and dumber? I'd venture to say music was better back then, even the pop. Jodeci of the 1990s couldn't get a deal now, they're too ugly!!

High school, who was I digging... Trick Daddy. No Limit. Ginuwine. I remember getting Mya, Chico DeBarge, and even The Firm (random as hell. from least fave ex. some chick probably gave it to him and he passed it on) for my Sweet 16. I feel like Tamia was big. So was Joe! He came out when we were in 8th grade... I remember singing "All the Things" in History. I had NO idea what he was talking about. LOLOL. Oh yeah, Outkast. Rosa Parks was big sophomore year! and on the low, I was subconsciously prepping for my pseudo militant-ness by listening to deadprez. 'I'm An African' was big in the car on the way to school. And this funky group called Jamiroquai that I heard YEARS ago in my travels to UK... Virtual Insanity was NOT their 1st hit in my book. But before Jamiroquai, I was bumping the absolute hell out of EWF. Oh yes, I got retro in highschool. OJays, Brother's Johnson, marvin gaye, etc.

Senior year, it was all about Donell Jones. and Carl Thomas!! They had the hits I was listening to on my way to Grad Nite!! *sigh* Good times.

Now we're getting to the meat of my post. College.College is when I became obsessed with artists.

I bought The Love Movement, dubbed ATCQ's worst (at the time) and I was IN.LOVE. Like, seriously. I couldn't get enough of Tribe. They were on heavy rotation in the dorm room, on my voice mail, and when I'd come home, it was bumping in the Volvo. There was a point in time when no-one wanted to ride anywhere with me cause all they'd get is Tribe. Love Movement, Beats Rhymes & Life, Midnight Mauraders, Low End Theory, People's Instinctive Travels... *sigh* I remember that love.

Now what would college be if you didn't get into Bob? Aww man, I remember getting musically high listening to him one night. I was supposed to go hang out with a fellow florida boy but I got sooooo into Bob I was in a daze and forgot. Martina actually passed by my room and asked, "Are you high?!" Looking back (now that I know what it feels like), I was. Thus sparked another obsession. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Maybe I kept it "fresh" by throwing Tribe back in the mix but you know the deal.

I don't even know when Blackstar was released but it did and sparked a new obsession. I became obsessed with the album first of all and went so far as to get a BlackStar tatt. Yes. Then I needed more. I'll get Mos. Miss Fat Booty won me over. May December is the perfect Saturday song. Mathematics was so "deep". Mighty Mos Def, loved him!

Reflection Eternal was an album I also dug. I think it was Hi-Tek that did it for me. Remember how "The Blast" made you feel? Yeah. Maybe talib needs people. I ADORE BlackStar and I like Train of Thought but Quality and whatever else came out? notsomuch.

Now that I knew what I was listening to, I went and got all the Jamiroquai albums. Yessss!!! This is what my life has been missing!!!

Let's play catch up. Tribe, Bob, Mos + Talib, Mos, Jamiroquai. I had everything those artists came out with. I was in a happy place :-)

Now because of my new found NY appreciation, I tried to get into Mobb deep. Didn't work. Oh well.

When I got to FAM, I got into college radio and heard Maroon 5 on WANM. Oh yeah. Had to have it. Someone at WAMN also played Gorillaz. Got all those joints, too. Red Hot Chilli Peppers got an album in my libe. I think I was tired of the same ole same and ventured to the other side. WBs were making me happy with their rock.

While at FAM, I also got in the mixtape biz. Anyone who has seen my iToons knows I have EVERYTHING DJ Jamad has put out. Also, Andrew was making me mix CDs that I played and played over and over again. And other guys would do the same. I got heavy into world music (specifically from Brazil) from mix cds from a homie. Same homie also put me onto Esthero. Have both her albums.

*SIDENOTE: Mixtapes... a way to a girls's heart coming soon*

Now here's the problem. Who is out there that I can obsess over? There is no-one putting out ANYTHING that would make me want to buy ALL their albums. What happened to the days of hearing something and absolutely NEEDING more???? I got all TWO of Amy's joints; I'm getting Raheem's L & WM today and that would put me at all 4 (3 studio + mix tape)... it was actually on one of Drew's tapes that I first heard Rah...I digress.

But do we see my problem!?!!??! I NEED NEW/OLD MUSIC! I NEED A FIX!!

Bad Mood

I haven't been in the cheeriest of moods this week. I don't know what it is and I can't shake it. It's like my sugar has been perpetually low. I think the weather had a little something to do with it; it was cloudy/rainy earlier this week. Today was sunny and cold but I was still not as ease. I don't like the cold.

My kinder-neighbor asked me if i'm okay. I told her I'm anxious. I can't relax. I feel like something is due or something is past due. I told her I feel like something big is about to happen and I just wish it would already. I don't know if it's something good or something bad but there's something on the horizon that's holding my disposition hostage.

I'm perpetually annoyed. I'm sure the new puppy has something to do with that cause I have to watch her constantly. and I've been cleaning like I've never cleaned before. I've pulled a Cinderella and scrubbed floors on my hands and knees more times than I will ever want to in life. And now my hands feel like shit and my nails break with the least amount of pressure.

Then I try to put things in perspective. I have a job doing what I love, a fabulous roof over my head, both parents, siblings doing well; I really have nothing to complain about.

But damn it, why can't I be unhappy??!! Why I gotta justify my baditude?

I am positive 95% of the time so on my off 5% days, can I have that? Please? Why can't I have a rant and just rant? How often do I rant? Why when I'm having a bad day, people like to challenge me and tell me I can't feel that way? I have no reason to be upset or stressed or angry? I have no reason to wanna curse out loud for no reason? Why the fcuk not? Anger/restlessness/anxiousness/nervousness are all valid feelings that we are ALL allowed to have and express. If I feel someway about something with or without a reason, let me feel that way. Thanks.

If you see me in the street, I'm probably smiling or at least giving off a positive vibe. On the 18 days out the year (once a month plus a few for good measure) I'm genuinely ANGRY for what.ever reason, if you want to ask me why, ask me and I'll tell you. But then leave me alone. Please don't try to change my mind about how I feel.

Scribble Scrabble

That's what I felt like today. Like my brain was scribble scrabbled. Like someone messed up and instead of erasing or even drawing a line thru the error, they just scribbled it out.

I want to say I'm confused but that's not an excuse anymore. I'm so not confused. I know exactly what I want.

*

Today was one of those days where I didn't even want to get out of bed. Not depressed or tired, just didn't feel like leaving the house, much less the bed. I wanted to do nothing today but sort out the thoughts that kept me up all hours past my bedtime. But alas, nineteen 5 & 6 year olds needed some knowledge dropped on them.

Today was one of those days where I was obviously running late and when I started my car, I realize I left my phone on the bed.

Today was one of those days where once past Jog Road, I realized I left my lunch in the fridge.

Today was one of those days where I accidentally dropped my ipod in between my seat but because I'm already running late, I can't take the extra 3 minutes to fish for it. I really wanted to tune out the children and listen to my music all day.

Today was one of those days where goo gobs of printed lesson plans were placed in my mailbox and I didn't even know where to go with them.

Today was one of those days where my principal decided to stop by my classroom for what I think was a clandestine operation. She walked in shocked and said, "Oh, you didn't take them to fine arts?" Oh, you thought my room was going to be empty, didn't you?

Today was one of those days where I forgot to eat. And I think I was hungry, but Ryoko def didn't stop by. How is that even possible?

Yeah, it was the 100th Day of School... on a Friday. Pseudo mayhem.

*

When I got to school, I flatly told my class, "Ms. K is not feeling well. I'm not sick but my brain is all mixed up. I need to focus." I was talking to myself all day and CONSTANTLY redirecting myself. I didn't even bother teaching today. I used my whiteboard to make myself a to do list. It helps me GREATLY to write things down, to see them in black and white. I was a jumbled, scribbled mess today and I know why.

*

I've talked about it before. And i'm almost scared to say anything cause it's been years but I've only talked and never done anything. I've applied to however many schools in so many years, but I'm still here.

Eff A U- master's in reading ed: accepted

FAM- master's in elem ed: accepted

FAM- b.a. in photog: accepted

Eff S U: master's in reading ed: pending

U T Austin: master's in bilingual ed: considered

After going to the smithsonian museum for african art, I was inspired to do what? Apply to U T Arlington for a B.A. in art history. Summer 2010.

Am I just going to apply to schools and do nothing with the acceptance letters? WTF am I waiting on? I know what I'm waiting on and it makes me mad/sad/confused that I'm still doing that. My life cannot be contingent on another person. There. I put it out there. I don't want to be 30 and resentful. I'm already getting there. i can't be mad/confused/scrambled all the time. I know what I want to do, I don't know why I'm not doing it. I do know why I'm not doing it but WHY am I knowingly not doing it?

did you follow that?

It had crept back into my head that I want to do me. I feel like I'm doing a pseudo "we" and I can't operate like that. Either we're a 'we' or we're not. I'm cut and dry. I'm so quick to say, "And there it is" when talking to others, but what about me? Do I need to have a talk with me?

and there it is.

(y'all should've seen my eyes just widen as I asked myself that question. a lightbulb just turned on)

I'll be back. I need to talk to and with myself.

Much Ado about Hair

I used to be able to do my own. I don't know what happened and when it happened but this right here is not the beat.

A couple of hours ago, I said I was going to go to Sally's a buy myself a flat iron so I can do my own hair. Yeah, in that time, I found it convenient to make a pot of spaghetti, baste and bake some ribs, clean all the glass in my place, put some more "summer" clothes in my stonehedge suitcase, and spend way too much time on the internet. My hair won't do itself so what's the hold up, Adei?

You know what it is? It's raining. I don't want to go outside when it rains... even though I have some fab rain boots and a matching umbrella.

No, I don't want to get my hair wet... even though it needs to be washed now.

Dah, I don't know :-( I just miss those days when I had the patience of a saint and surprising skill to curl my whole head, Curly Sue style. yeah, I had drop curls to die for. I think I was in the bathroom for 2 hours that middle school evening before a dance. And again for 9th grade homecoming dance.

I have 4 curling irons that I don't know what to do with. I would have more but every time I cut my hair off, I threw them away saying, "I'll never need these again!"

yeah, right sure. I'm sure I've gone thru every size curling iron and roller. I can't wait to get back to the big gray ones... come on hair!

maybe I should start taking vitamins... maybe I should start doing my hair every morning. With everything else, practice makes perfect!

Okay, I'm going to get a flat iron! I think that's the key to straighter hair!

At a Loss

I have nothing profound to say. I sometimes feel like I'll be wasting your time if I come on here with ramblings but sometimes, that's all you got!

- I am quietly excited my sister is coming home for thxgiving. We haven't talked since labor day but when I found out she was in daytona, at the SAME HOTEL we were in a couple weeks ago, we both got over it and chatted up her pageant, Miss Black FL. She made Top 5.

- my hair is not the beat. this bad ass length makes me want to cut it but I need to get over that. I miss my length. At the very least, I miss the roller wrap bob I had last year at this time

- my students are off the chain. one of them was drawing a picture of himself and used a yellow crayon. "Antwone, you are NOT yellow!" "I know, I'm milk chocolate but I'll just use brown."

*DIED*

and there's a girl in my class who my mom ADORES. my kinder reminds Mommy of me when I was 5 AND reminds her of herself when she was little. AWWWWWWWW!

-I'm teaching my students dictionary skills right now. They know better that to ask me how to spell a word. First I tell them to use their environment. If it's not ANYWHERE in my print-rich room, then I direct them to the dictionary in our classroom library. They love it! Phonetic spelling is only cute when the word is 'whale' and you forgot the 'h' ("I can arch like a wale").

- I need some new music in my life. Hook a sister up. I am DEF feeling Breezy's latest but I've gotten over getting a whole album based on one hot track. I hear that new Ri is that fire. tell me about Drizzy. and I think I will backtrack and get all of Jay's stuff. and his wife.

- wow, I just remembered, not even remembered but was alerted, (via twitter) that me and Drew have been an official couple for 2 years and 11 months today. i am so embarrassed right now cause he called me but I didn't answer cause the phone was "too far". it was in the next room :-(

- dani mentioned a day trip to NYC...there is a $160 plane ticket to LGA for dec 8... who wants to go? leave on a tuesday and come back on thursday? yes? let me know! GIRLS TRIP!! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK!!! why not? we def can't wait till we're married with children! OMG, I almost shuddered at how life changes DRASTICALLY when there's a mini you.

- I have way too many pairs of shades. I get it from my daddy. they are such an awesome accessory! now if only my hair will be my awesome accessory...

- I'm obsessed with jeans again. before I went off to college, I realized it gets cold where I was going and so I bought a whole bunch of jeans. back in those days, they were odd numbered. LOL. Anyway, have bought SEVEN pairs of jeans in the past 6 weeks. and one pair looks denim but they are more like dark chambray.

- is there a certain shirt that's hot? the last time I really bought shirts was when I wrecked shop in forever twentee one in Pittsburgh. oh, and the box sale at xpress 3 years ago. and I barely wear any of those shirts cause I don't want to look like a "24 y.o. who just graduated from college and got her a little money", you know? I'd really like some cashmere mini pocket tees from xpress... do they still make those? a much better look for the same comfort as a tee shirt!

- and speaking of same comfort, Jameil said something that has stuck with me. I think we were watching what not to wear together when she asked, "Why dress raggedy? It takes the SAME energy to put on homely sweatpants and an ugly tee!"

So deep. Yo, when it rains, ninjas get wet.

OH! Another one of my kinder gems!!

"If you only have one leg, you have to hop"

LMAO!! I LOVE THEM!!

on that note, i'm out.

New New

I got a new phone!!! Woo woo!!!

Ever since the cydekick disaster of last month, I've been looking for a new phone. I was thinking of getting the newest one out but thought, "Am I too old for a cydekick? I know people my sister's age who got geeked from my present one" But, I do like the twist up screen and of course the qwerty keyboard for all my unlimited texting needs... and browser for tweets and FB updates... I sighed and thought about starting crack and getting a blacberry. So not my style, though, you know? Plus, I want a separate screen from my keyboard, not one piece of phone!

I looked at the Gee1 but wasn't a fan. I wanted to like it but the total touch screen was not my cup of tea. Again, where's my qwerty? and it seems to try so hard to be a cool phone.

yeah, I said an nonliving thing was trying too hard to be cool. it's my blog, deal with it.

so I nixed the gugle phone. then there's the maiTouch. the one with woopy, phil, and jesse pubbing it.

next.

Drew told me motorolla was coming out with a new phone called the click and it's right up my alley.

Can you hear me now? Good!

I got it yesterday. Plus that good SDPBC 15% discount! OW!!

So your girl got a new new phone. I can watch video and actually post responses to your posts!! Wow! What a concept!

the only bad thing? it has a maispace app. My what???? pass.

30 Before 30

This is interesting. 

Not since high school have I really set a goal*.  I mean, I'm all for a vision board, but to actually visualize my goals and put them on paper...? this is hard!  I'm more of a 'go with the flow' type and end up where I figure I'm supposed to be, nah mean?

I'm not sure if I can come up with 30 things.  Or maybe I can, but I think they are superfluous and not really worth mentioning...  or, I do have goals but don't see why I have to reach them by 30.  Spread 'em out! Make life interesting! 

How bout this: I make a list of goals.  and if I want to do it within the next 2.6 years, I'll bold it.

get married

have twins

travel to Japan (preferably Ky.oto)

get another tat

live in another state for a year

earn my Masters in something education related (looking at reading ed and bilingual ed)

earn my Bachelors in Art History

earn my Bachelors in Photography

drive across the country (I-10 West, jet-set back)

drive back across the country (I-95 North, I-90 West, I- something east, I-95 South)

buy myself a SERIOUS piece of jewelry

stay in a hostel overseas (for example, I want to ball on a budget in Italy)

go to Brazil

go to Chile with my favorite aunt and cousin

go back to Ghana as a tourist and not a dual citizen

go back to London as an adult

have an all girls trip with my homies (even if it just NYC)

pseudo ball till I fall in Vegas (I'm not a gambler so I'll spend money on shows, a luxurious suite, and food)

eat at a Michelin rated restaurant

to have 5 figs in my bank account on a VERY consistent basis

I think that's about it.

* my only TRUE goal in LIFE was to get the prom dress of my dreams. I saw it in a Seventein mag my freshman year; cut it out and had it on my wall.  I wanted a green/gold A-line cami dress with a beaded bodice. the dress I got was the blue/purple version. I had it in the house for TWO YEARS! Mommy kept it in her closet so I wouldn't try it on every chance I got and get tired of it by the time my prom came around!! LOLOLOL! 

 

I still have that dress. I still love it.  I even wore it in the pageant I was in in 2004.  

Damn, I still have my senior prom dress too!  Best believe I wore that thing to Freshman Ball at HU AND APhiQ's Champagne Sips in 2004 and 2006!!! (I cut it to make it knee length for the latter event. re-use and recycle, people!!)

Damn. you have no idea how hard it is to find a nikki livas formal dress from 1997

Breaking News

Told Pops abt my move. Here's what he said,

"I don't think you should move, I'll clean up the room and put a full bed in there so it can be a real bedroom for you."

"I don't think you should move. You know Vanessa? She has some nurse friends who live by themselves and one night, someone was watching and forced her into her own house."

"You really shouldn't move if you don't have to. You have plenty of time to face hardships if that's what you're looking for."

"Don't you have bills to pay? Stay home and focus on those."

"You should save your money to use for all the traveling you will do."

Really, dad?

I don't think you guys know what happened for me to come to FAMU. Well, it all stemmed from my (then troublesome) brother (thankfully) graduating from high school and ONLY applying to one school, FAMU. That much, most of you know. But I didn't want to leave HU.

This is going to be a of stream of consciousness portion. Please don't pay attention to the structure.

Well, in the first place, I didn't want to go there cause I'd never heard of it and was sent there on recommendation of my godsister's godmother. Secondly, I WANTED TO GO TO FAMU! Whatever the case, I end up at HU and LOVE it. LOVE it. Having a scholarship helped. Well, I didn't maintain a 3.3 so I lost my scholarship. Oh well. Sophomore year rolls around and I am having the time of my life. Then comes the end of spring semester when I find out I'll be going to FAMU.

"We need you to look out for your brother"

"He needs to look out for himself!"

"What if we buy you a car?"

"I don't need a car to fly from Hampton"

"And you can live in a townhouse"

"Okay."

Then the following year, we get a house.

The point I'm making is: I WAS BRIBED TO LEAVE HU!!! AND NOW MY DAD IS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME TO STAY HOME!!!! I AM 27!!!! WHEN WILL I EVER BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF??? WHEN WILL I EVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO LIVE ALONE?!? WHEN WILL I EVER BE STACEY AND NOT MY BROTHER'S KEEPER?

I just want to do me for real. I felt like I was "got" into coming back to West Palm and this year is going to be my last! Let's make it my own. I want 27 to be awesome and fabulous, even if it is in West Palm... and 2.3 miles away from home...and I have to take out my own trash.

Impulse

i'm looking up trips to Japan. I can get one for $929.

I also looked up the UK. $862

but why is a trip to Honolulu the same price, if, not at times, more than a trip to a different continent? I don't want a trip to Hawaii to cost $859!!

*deep breath*

Ever since I saw a PBS-type show abt Kyoto, Japan while in Ghana two summers ago, its been a need. I need a trip to Kyoto at the end of summer. Plus, there are hostels by the yard. I don't need a Marriott while over there! I just want to be there.

My raggedy 8hr/week job can pay for it.

It's all about the silver linings.