28 Days

it's worse than the movie.

So i'm in Barnes and Noble looking at the bargain priced books and rueing the day I didn't buy all the $5 hardcover classics before the New Year when I get that dreadful but familiar twitch in my ute. I think to myself, "kinda early, must be brought on by stress or exhaustion..." *eyeroll + sigh*

"can I please use your restroom?"

Because I know my bad ass ute, I am ALWAYS well prepared for this. I have an arsenal of weapons in EVERY bag, in EVERY suitcase, in EVERY car seat pocket, trunk, console, and glove compartment. If there's a zipper, there's a weapon. I'm sure Drew is still finding weapons in his car...

So I handle my lady business, buy my book and keep it moving. Maybe I'll go up to 116th and buy some red velvet cake then see what my Haarlemites are up to. If only I could shake this cold. Speaking of cold, my brother told me to take zyrtec for all the sniffling and sneezing. I told him it's a cold and not allergies but he swears by it cause it's an anti-histamine. I figure I'll start tomorrow cause i'm slightly buzzed off of mucinex AND advil cold and sinus *lightbulb* (THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS BAD! THE ADVIL HAD ME FOOLED!)

I sneeze.

That sneeze is accompanied by what I imagine your water breaking feels like. No not like you tinkled a little but actual water BREAKING, a water balloon exploding between your thighs.

I wail, "OH MY GOD!" in the middle of Union Square then cover my mouth with both hands. I squat thinking that might help something, I start to think, "thiscan'tbehappeningthiscan'tbehappeningthiscan'tbehappening.ijustleftthefuthermuckingbathroom!!!" I feel like i'm in a movie scene where the protagonist sees everything is spinning around her. "OMFG I HAVE TO GO HOME!" All of a sudden, the world music playing on my ipod is annoying every last fibre in me and so i snatch out my earbuds, run down the stairs and try to hop on the next train without realizing I need to go the downtown and brooklyn side of the platform. Back up the stairs and down the stairs across the way. I find the nearest pillar and plaster my backside against it. Now I feel like everybody knows what has happened to me. But this being NY, I bet no-one was even paying attention to me. I wish I wore something, anything that goes past my waist. I wish I wore darker jeans, I wish I wore black sweatpants, I wish the train would hurry and get me back to Brooklyn!

I stand the whole way, transfer and stand the whole of that way. Then it hits me that on the weekend, the J doesn't stop at my stop but THREE stops past it. "This can't be life. I just want to go home and hop in the shower." I debate going the three stops past it and taking a Manhattan bound train back or just taking the bus from the stop before the skips... I just want to get off the train and I do. "The bus is taking too long!" Now i'm walking with my my bag behind me, trying to cover up any indication of my uterus' maniacal game. I must've looked utterly ridiculous as I walked home more blocks than I remember this route being... I was never going to get home and everyone on the street was going to see what a mess I made of myself. Maybe I look like a middle schooler and they'll have pity on me! I'd like to say that was the last time something like this has happened but haHA! You must be crazy if you think 28 days go by without any foolishness. Remember last month in Long Island with my 3 boy cousins??

I've talked to my doctor and she has one prescription for insane uteruses: pregnancy.

At this rate, I would trade 9 months & 18+ years for being a prisoner or a mental patient or a feverish mess every 28 days for the past 16 years and however many more to come.

Who got me?