forgiveness

it's hard. i wrestle with it every day. i talk to God about it. i ask Him to help me forgive and forget but my mom has always said i have the memory of an elephant.  okay, let's take forget out of the picture. can i work on forgive?

re-reading back to white, i am cleaaaaaarly holding on to a lot of pain. luckily, it rarely surfaces and i am very happy with my life but in those moments, my inability to forgive takes me down for the count. those are the dark moments for me; re-living the disrespect, lies, and heartbreak. or even worse, the moments when i "knew" but thought it would get better.

*lightbulb*

maybe i need to forgive myself first.

Renege

I take back what I said in my last post.  Why?  Because there are some moments that make you reconsider everything you thought before that instant.



Being a part of Dani Colored's wedding was one of those moments.

In being part of one of the most gorgeous weddings ever, I knew what went into that day. I pretty much have known since we were 4 years old what went into 11:23:13. Trials, heartbreak, love lost and found...and lost again. Fun times, not so fun times, countless miles, tears, laughs... and this is all before A.  But "Who Knew?"

The lesson is to not have it all figured out, just have faith cause you never know :-)


Biggest congrats to probably the only person who's literally known me as long as my own family.

Back to [White]

He left no time to regret
kept his d!ck wet
With his same ole safe bet...
Me and my head high
and my tears dry
get on without my guy...
You went back to what you knew
So far removed
from all that we went thru...
and I tread a troubled track
my odds are stacked
I go back to...

My dating life in NYC has been interesting if nothing else. I was worried until I met a guy at a friend's house.  He made me feel like the first years with Andrew. We talked, bitched, laughed, drank, walked, smoked, read, TV'd, dined, argued, mourned, discussed, wii'd, stooped, taught, laid, charter school'd, everything. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. Stacey was ready.

Then two weeks ago I found out he's had a girlfriend since June. We met in May.  My world literally crashed. I felt like I was 14 and my boyfriend was hollering at everything in a dress. 19 watching my guy walk the next chick to his dorm room, like I was 20 and dealing with my boyfriend's apparent real girlfriend over the phone.  I felt like I was 21,  and boy who had the nerve to smell like Pearberry. Am I 22 again, seeing my Valentine hugged up on the next chick and looking at me like, "What??"?

nope.

Blast from the Past

On Sundays, I enjoy reading old emails, blogs and FB messages. I stumbled upon this gem of advice I sent to my sister right before she started college.

August 27, 2008
stay away from the ques!!! they are nasty! they bite (real talk) they don't bathe, walk around in underwear under the pretense of keeping it 'gutter'... they will kick a bitch if she gets in the way of their line stepping AND NOT CARE. they will dog you OWT cause they are the SELF proclaimed, 'nasty nasty que dogs'.

Love you!



BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH EM GEE THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING CAUSE I WAS DEAD ASS SERIOUS!!!

that old feeling

Totally attribute this post to the havoc my hormones are wreaking on my emotions... It really sucks being a girl a lot of the time. If it's not a physical pain from beauty upkeep, high heels, or your female reproductive system, then I'm sure there's some Emo pain that just has you crying out of the blue. Take me for instance.

Any other day, I LOVE going thru my FB pics. Yes, I'm vain. I love my smile and hair and seeing them across the years brings me joy. Whatevs, don't judge me. I digress.
Tonight, in all my wakefulness, I start tearing up at pics from December 2006 to October 2010. Then I put on a sappy playlist with songs like Falling by my fave acid jazz band and the tears really start to fall. Why, Stace? Is it that you need an Emo purge and that's a surefire way to do it? Well stop. Cause that shit hurts more than any uterine contraction. "What if?" has got to be the most tormental (made that up) question you can ask yourself. I don't want to play the what if game. What if nothing!

But I do want that old feeling back. No one gave it to me like Drew. I have faith it'll show up without me looking for it but tonight, if only for one night, I would like to be back in Hollywood eating sushi and listening to music with my ex best friend.

Rose Colored Glasses

Last year was a really good school year for me.  It was so good, it opened up the door for me to be grade team lead and set myself on path for more upward movement.  Although I was VERY scared just a few short weeks ago, I'm feeling like the second half of 2013 is going to be awesome.

Another reason why I'm feeling so good about where I am is I'm living in more and more moments.  I'm still enthralled by New York City. I still see the magic and beauty; from the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset to the crackhead at sunrise. I'm not tainted or disheartened by how hard this city can be, I just see it as a wonderful city where the strong survive. If I can live here, I can do anything.

I know one when I see one...

*pointing to group of guys in specific colored polos* Are they Island Massive?
And why would you think that?
They're wearing green, gold, and black mighty hard
Word? So all Jamaicans wear yellow and green? That's a bad ass generalization.
Sooooo, when you put on that yellow shirt with those camo shorts and threw on the SuperSonics, it was just another day in your Yardie ass closet?
*blink* I'ma punch you. Right in the babymaker.

i don't think that's legal...

Having conversations with me can be frustrating at times.  Yes, I am a bit "dee, dee, deeee" but most of the time, it's cause I can't hear.  Or I hear, but... yeah, no; I can't hear.

do you want opium?
what?!
do you want some opium??
do I want wha?! Is that le-- No!!
what?! what do you think I'm asking you??
if I want some opium!
 -_-  wow... oatmeal... wow.
oh! I was about to say!
I'M MAD YOU THINK I HAVE OPIUM STRAIGHT CHILLIN!

"now i have a friend that i can talk to"

i just landed. JFK. i want to see you ASAP
okay, 5:30. no, 5:20. be outside sitting on your stoop 
genius

 we drank, we vaped, he told me what do and i listened.

...the morning after... 

 i'd rather read spanish than speak it
really? i'd rather speak it. reading it makes me think too much and i lose the beauty of the book cause i'm busy processing another language
well that's the thing, you have to rely more on context clues than literal translation. it makes for a better read
hmmm, i can only imagine reading one hundred years of solitude in spanish *sigh* i already think it's amazing translated.
it is beautiful.
what?
i read it in spanish. it is so much more beautiful.
*blink* *heart skip* *breath shortened* 
you okay?
... yeah, i am.

one soft night

"i want to have a soft night with you." baited. "i'll be there at 7." i opened his brownstone doors and crept up the stairs. sade was coming from the hallway. bewildered; he's a strict hip-hop head. i walk into his room and there's soft light from candles. "come lie down." being a teacher, it feels so good to have someone else give the directions. i crawl under the covers; he pulls me closer and for the first time, we just lie.

tell me how you really feel

"you're skinny; you have no ass, no titties, bad skin, and unnatural hair... but i'm still checking for you."






um...




wha?




did that just happen??



what part of the game is this?!


*flips thru relationship manual* OHHHHH! This is the part where the man derides the woman into submission. by alerting her to what he sees as her flaws, she will say, "oh, you ARE still checking for me. come here, your martyr."


Except there is no such thing as a relationship manual.  and that's how it will NEVER go down in my book.


Yeah, ole boy told me that.
he came out his face.
he talked out the side of his neck.

he's been ridiculous since the beginning but for some weird reason, I thought he'd grow out of it.  nope. i finally asked him why TF is he still calling, texting, e-mailing me if i do nothing but get on his nerves and he sent me an e-mail, chock full of reasons why he hates that he loves me.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

1. i've been "skinny" since he's known me
2. my hair has been relaxed since i was 5
3. my A cups fit me perfectly
4. and i do have a booty. it just hides in sweats (lol).

why he brought all this up in a toilet bowl of diarrhea he called an e-mail, the world may never know.


but, i would be lying if i told you there wasn't an subatomic particle ounce of care in what he said.  because it came from his crazy mouth, i pretty much dismissed it as just that, crazy talk.  but because it came out of a black man's mouth, i thought about it in the time it takes to blink twice. then it came back to me and now i'm writing about it.

is this really how we feel about Stace?

grown man on

it's friday night and you know what i want to do?

i want to be at someone's lounge
sitting on a dark purple chaise
sipping on port
listening to donald byrd.



when did i become fraser?

love life

Standing outside, the snow started to fall. I put my hood on and wished parents would hurry to pick up their children.  "It's snowing!" the scholars chirped.  Straight faced, I replied, "It's March... the 3rd week of March."  They ignored me cause they were busy trying to catch snowflakes in their mouths.  That's when it hit me.

"I never saw this in my wildest dreams. This South Florida girl is really here right now in the snow like it's nothing."

I tilted my head back to catch snowflakes in my mouth.

40 days

i don't like talking about lent with anyone besides my mom.  i find the lenten season makes me and others judgy. a few years back, i remember telling someone what i gave up and she said, "what's the point of that? that's wack."

yo, when i say i wanted to reach across the table and strangle that chick...  EX-CUUUUUUUSE ME!?!?!? TRICK, you don't know me and my struggle!!

but then when people say, "i'm cutting out bread" i think to myself, "oh, you're dieting for lent. cool story, bro."

i guess the difference is i THINK it, not say it.  but that's the point!! how bout we just don't talk about it??

i actually love talking to lyds about spirituality/religion. last week when i left church in one of the foulest moods ever, i called her to talk it out. surprisingly, she told me not to go back to that church and then we figured out what i was supposed to get out of attending service that day.  there's always a lesson to be learned, even if the father doesn't have a thesis statement to his sermon and rambles on & on at any given moment... let's move on.

since mommy told me your lenten sacrifice should be between you and your God a few years back, i find that it's been more meaningful to me. When Jesus was tempted he called on his Father. I LOVE knowing that WWJD is so very applicable during these 40 days and I love doing what Jesus would do! Now if only I can do that more often, lol *MESSAGE!*

If you are participating in Lent, may the Lord be with you thru this and beyond.

Hood Mama Bear

my AT sent me a picture of one of our students with his new haircut (his dad sent the pic to her; yes, we are that tight with our families, they text us anything!).  A little Afro-Latino boy, he had a full mane of curly hair that was a mixture of his Hispanic dad and Black mom's texture.  Most of the time, it was in a low ponytail, sometimes it was corn-rowed and one time he wore it out.  Whatever the case, we laughed over the pic because now he looked like a member of a racially ambiguous 90s rnb group (LOL) instead of the J.Martinez we've grown to love!

Then the conversation took a turn.

She told me J wanted the haircut b/c 4 boys in our class don't want to play with him cause they think he's weird and they call him a girl and even gay.



...



Wait, what??


and when she told me what four boys were doing the teasing, I went ape shit.

HOW DAAAAAAAAARE!?!?!? RETAINEE AARON? AND OTHER OBNOXIOUS AARON!? AND GANGLY ASS TARIQ?!?! AND NOSEBLEED MIKHAIL!?!?!?!?!?!?!??  OH BITCH!

then the hood mama in me calmed down and the big sister came out.

yo, my sister didn't smile for TWO YEARS while she was in elementary school? you know why?! because we had gaps and unfortunately for her, it wasn't cute in her generation.

SHE DIDN'T SMILE, Y'ALL.  

HOW ARE YOU IN 3RD GRADE AND YOU'RE SCARED TO LAUGH, TO BE HAPPY, TO SHOW JOY?! HOW ARE YOU IN 4TH GRADE AND YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!?!

so the fact one of my kindergartners went home, told his dad he wants to cut off his ponytail (mind you, dad has a ponytail too. J had a pony so he could be like his papi.) so other kids won't think he's weird cut me deep.  Please believe i'm having a talk with 4 sets of parents tomorrow... monkey ass lil boys done lost they mind... you have the wrong teacher for that isht...

but are we really starting the foolishness in kindergarten? have times changed that much that people aren't 'doodie-heads' anymore but actually called 'gay' and 'weird'?  what happened to, "YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!" being the worst thing you can hear when you're 5 years old?  Not ready for this!!

BlackHole Son

Oh snap! I'm trippin!  Was the last time I really posted back in November??  Lord know I've had plenty to write about; I sahwee.

Anyway.

I'm never in the mood to hear janet. when she comes on my various pandora stations, i'm more likely to use a skip on her and definitely not give her a thumbs up.

social lurkers get on my nerves. all in the business and never none of their own.

manhattan gets less and less appealing to me each day. if brooklyn wasn't so boheme, i wouldn't leave. but alas, i need to get my glam fix and fab food somewhere. thank goodness it's only a 25 minute train ride away.

the pic bad girl riri posted on christmas day was all the fierceness i wanted in 2012. it was her, sitting on the hood of a car, smoking a cig (gross) and chris brown was standing in front of said car. do you, riri. if you like it, i love it.

i have three more tattoos on deck.  one just came to me while listening to a ninasimoan song. that actually might be next... and on my arm.


I KNOW.




i love how everyone is all gung-ho about YOU cutting YOUR hair, don't nobody ever want to cut their own hair... I did cut mine and I think i'm going to keep it here. it's a graduated bob. jet-black and i love it.

i got a wii for Christmas. black. thought about naming it akon.

i wore black leggings and a blousy black tee with a cut up back to breakfast with my dad over Christmas break. he LOVED my outfit. it made me love him even more.

i wear other colors besides black. i've been digging jet, onyx, and obsidian as well.


and eggplant.

lastly, a quiet resolution I made to myself was to get that old thing back.
i want to play piano and tennis regularly. just like the good ole days.
but, i don't like keyboards, not even 88-key weighted ones and it's too cold to play tennis.
haters gon hate.