New Wave

i feel it creeping up; a new wave of selfishness. a feeling where i don't want to answer to, check-in with, clean up for, pick up, drop off, spend time with, nada for no one. I just want to enjoy me and my time the way I see fit. no sharing of time, space, food, sheets; NOTHING. and i want to do these things without being made to feel bad about them.

this feeling stems from the trip i was scheduled to take. at first, it was like, 'ok, i'll go back to DC. he's buying, i'm flying (literally)'. as the day to leave came closer and closer, i realized, 'i don't want to go back. i didn't have fun; there's no point in me going up there just to sit around or have fake fun. why am i going again? oh yeah, cause he told me to.'

if i can just secure a job somewhere, anywhere else, i will then feel confident enough to leave the false comfort of home. i can't just move on a leap of faith. as much as i admire people who up and go with the belief they will find something when they get where they are going, i will never be that person. i need a job. i need to pay bills. it's one thing to not have a for real ass rent but the money that you are supposed to be saving only goes to material things you buy to make yourself happy.

anyway, i'm trying to get out of this pointless trip and this coddled state of mind.