Scribble Scrabble

That's what I felt like today. Like my brain was scribble scrabbled. Like someone messed up and instead of erasing or even drawing a line thru the error, they just scribbled it out.

I want to say I'm confused but that's not an excuse anymore. I'm so not confused. I know exactly what I want.

*

Today was one of those days where I didn't even want to get out of bed. Not depressed or tired, just didn't feel like leaving the house, much less the bed. I wanted to do nothing today but sort out the thoughts that kept me up all hours past my bedtime. But alas, nineteen 5 & 6 year olds needed some knowledge dropped on them.

Today was one of those days where I was obviously running late and when I started my car, I realize I left my phone on the bed.

Today was one of those days where once past Jog Road, I realized I left my lunch in the fridge.

Today was one of those days where I accidentally dropped my ipod in between my seat but because I'm already running late, I can't take the extra 3 minutes to fish for it. I really wanted to tune out the children and listen to my music all day.

Today was one of those days where goo gobs of printed lesson plans were placed in my mailbox and I didn't even know where to go with them.

Today was one of those days where my principal decided to stop by my classroom for what I think was a clandestine operation. She walked in shocked and said, "Oh, you didn't take them to fine arts?" Oh, you thought my room was going to be empty, didn't you?

Today was one of those days where I forgot to eat. And I think I was hungry, but Ryoko def didn't stop by. How is that even possible?

Yeah, it was the 100th Day of School... on a Friday. Pseudo mayhem.

*

When I got to school, I flatly told my class, "Ms. K is not feeling well. I'm not sick but my brain is all mixed up. I need to focus." I was talking to myself all day and CONSTANTLY redirecting myself. I didn't even bother teaching today. I used my whiteboard to make myself a to do list. It helps me GREATLY to write things down, to see them in black and white. I was a jumbled, scribbled mess today and I know why.

*

I've talked about it before. And i'm almost scared to say anything cause it's been years but I've only talked and never done anything. I've applied to however many schools in so many years, but I'm still here.

Eff A U- master's in reading ed: accepted

FAM- master's in elem ed: accepted

FAM- b.a. in photog: accepted

Eff S U: master's in reading ed: pending

U T Austin: master's in bilingual ed: considered

After going to the smithsonian museum for african art, I was inspired to do what? Apply to U T Arlington for a B.A. in art history. Summer 2010.

Am I just going to apply to schools and do nothing with the acceptance letters? WTF am I waiting on? I know what I'm waiting on and it makes me mad/sad/confused that I'm still doing that. My life cannot be contingent on another person. There. I put it out there. I don't want to be 30 and resentful. I'm already getting there. i can't be mad/confused/scrambled all the time. I know what I want to do, I don't know why I'm not doing it. I do know why I'm not doing it but WHY am I knowingly not doing it?

did you follow that?

It had crept back into my head that I want to do me. I feel like I'm doing a pseudo "we" and I can't operate like that. Either we're a 'we' or we're not. I'm cut and dry. I'm so quick to say, "And there it is" when talking to others, but what about me? Do I need to have a talk with me?

and there it is.

(y'all should've seen my eyes just widen as I asked myself that question. a lightbulb just turned on)

I'll be back. I need to talk to and with myself.