Paranoid

this is what I'm feeling today. and when I say, "I'm feeling..." I mean if i could be in his head, I think this is what he'd say to me.

Terra Hades

it all started this morning. I had that familiar contraction feeling and looked at my biological clock app. It has NOT been 32 days, you have got to be kidding me. Grrrrr... whatever the case I also remembered the outfit Cardo picked out for me and was thinking how those pants would work today. I already wanted to veto either the top or the bottom but, it's a challenge, gotta take the good with the bad.

I showered, dressed, and hit the road. i left earlier than usual so the lights were in my favor. Cool, park in my spot and thought to tidy up a bit. If I take one thing out of the car, it will be that much cleaner. Let me take this sweet tea outta here. Reach for the cup and *SWOOOOOOSH!* SWEET FUTHERMUCKING TEA ALL OVER MY ABS AND DEFINITELY IN MY LAP!!! I can't believe this! I step out of the car in hopes some of the liquid will drain into the street and I know I hollered "Fcuk my futhermucking life!" (but the real words). This can't be life right now. Now i'm standing and looking at the sweet tea soak into the drivers seat... OMG, Not cool. Okay, calm down, you have a whole closet in your trunk. I pop the trunk and get a beach towel, some yoga pants and a white tee. I try and soak up some tea from my seat but realize my clothes aren't getting any drier. Leave the towel in the seat and head to campus. My feet are slipping and sliding in the patent leather wedges Cardo picked out. Gotta get out of these too, they def won't go with yoga pants.

I change, slip into my crocs, and the day begins. It's okaaaay aside from my-uterine-region-letting-me-know-it's-still-here-and-would-like-something-to-occupy-its time and me wearing-the-clothes-I-tease-other-teachers-about *sarcasm*... then I remember pre-k is coming to visit. OMG, I have to bring out totally different centers that are age appropriate! My children are reading and writing novels! They do puzzles of dinosaur scenes! let me find some ABC puzzles and two word sentence books for their visit *grumble, grumble*

As you can imagine, the babies coming in reminded me of the WORST time of the school year... I ALWAYS forget how they come to us!!! I ALWAYS for get that they have to learn how to do EVERYTHING!!! I ALWAYS forget they don't know how to read or write! They were in a center for 5 minutes and wanted to move onto the next thing, one started crying cause the group she was paired with didn't do to library center, another one was determined to do spiderman... LAAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!

They left and my uterus REALLY started showing it's ass! Normally, the out of controlness is every other month. I have one bout it ovary who spits out eggs I'm sure will be HELLIONS once they are fertilized and I have the other one who is cool. Not this time. Cool Side wanted to be rebellious. She wanted to let me know, "Hey! I'm not going to be ignored anymore! Take THAT!" *JUDO CHOP* "and THIS!" *KAH-RAH-TAY KICK* "annnnnnnnnd FINISH HERRRRRR!" *NON-STOP RAPID FIRE PUNCHES*

Yeah, I had to take a knee. Then two knees. Then I just fell over. Some child brought me a pillow and I was laid out on the reading rug. I was moaning, I was whimpering, I was trying to find a comfortable position. I got into the fetal position "Ms. K I can see your back tattoo!!" I laid on my back, "Ms. K, I can see your star tattoo!! My mommy has a tattoo on her stomach!" The 600 mg of advil I took an hour earlier meant NOTHIIIIING. I told the children they can go to any center they want to but I should've known better. PAN.DE.MO.NI.UM.I couldn't take it. magic school bus video kept them quiet for 20 mins as I writhed in pain and thought of how I could get home cause there are more symptoms to the monthly than just cramps and I HAD to be ONLY home for them!

Silent snack time, pack your bags, y'all are going to other teachers classrooms. Then a reading coach comes in the room and sees my suffering. She helps me to the clinic where I actually start to cry from pain. As the contractions subside, I realize it's getting closer and closer for me to be getting home. That feeling is not going away. She walks me to my car and my push start doesn't work. MY PUSH START DOESN'T WORK! I CAN'T START MY CAR TO GO HOME! I take the metal key out and realize I don't know where the physical ignition is!!! OMFG, I just want to go home before I make a mess :-( She didn't drive her car today so now we're back in the clinic trying to find someone to take me home. The science lab teacher is all about it. I hobble to her car and we getting home. I'm moaning and she really wants to take me to the hospital but I tell her I've been here and done this before, I just need to go home. Of course we catch all the lights and as we turn down a side street I beg her to stop and pull over. Anything that wasn't digested due to all the attention down below comes up. I wonder if I even chew my food based on what was now in the grass on the side of the road. No wonder my metabolism is so high, my body works HARD to digest food! *yes these are thoughts between heaves*

We sit and get some fresh air. I feel 50% better. I get home and hit the bathroom for the other symptom. Not awesome. I change into looser pants and a loose fitting tee and pass out in my brother's bedroom, dreaming of who I can get to knock me up and rid me of this monthly curse.

My Father is Dressing Me!

Check out the Record Dish for the fashion challenge post! Day 1 has begun!

Knock and the door shall be opened unto thee

Right now, at THIS very moment right here, I wish I was getting married this July. At this moment early on this Monday morning, I wish I have a shared bank account and someone to wake up to everyday. For the longest time, marriage seemed to be the stability I've been craving. In marriage, I won't be here, there, worrying about tomorrow, thinking about what I'm going to do with myself. In my head, marriage solved all that. Yes, I'm sure marriage came with its own set of issues that I don't know about but at least, you have someone to share them with; you don't have to tackle life alone...

Oh well, ask and ye shall receive.

Saturday with Sis

Sharlotte York, meet Avril Levign.


The world knows were 8 years apart but it still surprises me how different we are. Well, it doesn't but it's amazing how totally different from me she's growing up to be.

Yesterday, after a drama filled morning with Lyds, my sister and I spent the afternoon scouring the internets for tats. We both like tats. No surprise there. What I didn't know about my sister is that if she was white could, she'd be a tatted up rocker chick. Not neccessarily Kat Von D tatted, but lots, and lots of tats. Specifically, a tatted up pin-up girl. she's a 50s girl with edge. So maybe KVD afterall! Inside of the biceps, a message. exotic scene on the hip up to the underarm. wrists and ribcage. Not only does she want lots of tats, but she wants those roses, skull and crossbones, deadly cupcake, rocker chick tats. The only thing stopping her is the image she'd portray. If "they" get tats, they're rocker, punk chicks. If she gets tats, she's a ghetto boo.

Tis true. Black girls who are tatted up look ghetto as hell. Most of the time, they are tatted up with portraits, baby feet, panthers, paw prints, and names. If Sis were to get two black pin up girls, I can't see Quandalisha in that. Anyhoo...


After I designed my next tat (words in a certain font) and she found the pin-up girls she wanted, we started looking up makeup.

She is a MAKE-UP FIEND. I am not. Although I appreciate and adore a full face of make-up (I think Monica and Eva Long. are my make-up heroes), I can't see myself doing it AND, I'm not vigilant enough with my face to make sure I scrub off everything and therefore prevent breakouts. I know myself. I keep a bottle of waterless cetaphil cleanser next to the bed and that's how I wash my face at night. That will NOT work with foundation, bronzer, et al. Sis though? After years of doing pageants, she's only getting better. And she's not afraid to try new things. She got inspired so we decided to go to the mall. You should've seen the colors she had me trying on. Yeah, I complained about 'oh baby' but I wasn't ready to jump into 80s chic. (she got that by the way. you should see it in person). I ended up getting a berry-colored glass with little blue glitter flecks. A step up from the frosty look of years past. Oh Baby, I do thank you for your years of dedicated service to my lips. You have no idea how many men I've transfixed with you by my side. *deep bow*

Now that make-up is out the way, we started wandering aimlessly and ended up in Ebeb. Yeah, no. That store gets on my nerves more and more. Way too expensive for harlot looking crap. But, I always stop by just in case that gem some hootchie thought was too conservative is still there. That's how I scored on my NYE in ATL dress. Nope, not yesterday. And surprisingly, Sis plopped down and waited for me to justify a boucle suit. (i love boucle). That store seemed right up her alley!

We left and went into R-Den B.

Is it that I'm getting older or are the clothes getting cheaper (and not price-wise)? Almost everything in there looked like something you can get at a flea market. It has to be that I'm getting older; what was cute at 21 better not be cute at 29, I'm just saying, let's show some growth please.

As we looked and touched, something caught both our eyes. Add'tl 50% of select dresses. Ain't gotta ask us twice! we look and we both find coral dresses. I pick mine up and she says, "Ew". She picks hers up and I roll my eyes. Time for the dressing room.

We both step out and admire the other's dress. "Wow, Steph! Your's looks so good on you!" "Aww, Stace, you're rocking it!" Then we look in the huge 3-fold mirror and bust out laughing. My blousy belted shirt dress, her body hugging bandage dress. My bobbed wrap, her big curly fro. My berry stained pout, her glitterfied kisser. Then we look at each other like long lost twins do in the movies when they reunite and realize how different their lives are. Like, "Brrr, are we even related!?"

Got our dresses and walked some more. I oohed and ahhhed at the LP windows, she fawned over the tribal funky patterns in XXI. We talked and walked right into B.Johnson where she was head over heels about some cardigan with guns on it and i was loving a tiered organza dress.

When you're that far apart from a sibling, I thought you kinda grow up admiring and wanting to follow in their footsteps a little. Or not! I guess leaving for college when she started 5th grade allowed her to form her own little personality that couldn't be anymore opposite that mine.

Why Not?

I definitely just asked Raheem DeVaughn out to dinner via twitter. LMMFAO!!!! I can only hope he sifts thru all his followers, sees my tweet, and takes me up on the offer!!!

Let's say he does... where would we go?
Hopefully, he likes sushi... yeah!
and then we can get drinks... yeah!
and then we can get ice cream... yeah!

wait, no. Sometimes, my body likes dairy. sometimes, I get extra African and reject it. #NotAGoodLook

It's Saturday! I LOVE Saturdays!

United Stace of America

Why is it so hard for people to let me do me? I understand wanting the best for someone and caring so deeply that you want to shield them from any harm but damn! When can I make a decision and it's okay? Good or bad, I'm going to make decisions and I will need to learn from them.

I'm really upset my dad called me with that bullshit. I planned on spending a nice two days down here in the Grove and now all that's in my head is "you're going to get fired! You can't do things like that!" Why not? Why can't I do things like this? Why can't I take a day off for my birthday? "You took last Friday off for your sister's graduation and now this Monday? You can't do things like that!"

I'm so on edge right now. Everyone has stacey's well-being in mind. Move here, stay here, I bought a house here, you should go to school here, nevermind go to school here, major in this, no you can't major in that here, come back home, no for real, let your parents be your parents and come home, etc.


They say no man is an island. I had no idea I was an entire nation.

Day 1 of 29

Wakes up, look at the clock... "6:56am. I slept in!"
Irons linen shirt dress.
Showers, brushes teeth, dresses.
Sits on chaise, enjoying the quiet bustling of Grand Street in Coconut Grove.


*ring ring*

Where are you?

In Miami?

Why? It's Monday, you're supposed to be at work!

I took the day off for my birthday.

Your birthday was yesterday, teachers are expected to be at work on Monday!

Mother's Day was yesterday.

You're going to get fired! You can't just be taking days off whenever you want to!

*dead silence* Presses end call.




Gee dad, thanks for ruining my day off.

i feel like i'm falling. i just want to hurry up and hit the ground already. where am i going? how will i get there? how will i live? do i belong there or am i just running away? running away from what?

how come senior year in high school, the prospect of going anywhere was the best thing in the world? but as someone knocking on 30s door, the possibility of shucking corn in iowa, or lobbying in dc, or teaching english in japan, or free-loading in denver is scaring the utter fcuk out of me?

I WANT STABILITY.
SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO SO I CAN DO IT CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AND IT'S DEPRESSING ME.