The Fine Line

this is a true life conversation I am comfortable enough to share now.



I realized I wasn't feeling anything. My exact words were, "I'm realizing I don't have a devout love for anyone or anything." to which he says, "That deep down passionate love, the kind I feel in my heart? Everyone has that."

me: I don't. And if I do, it has a shelf life.

him: You just won't let it happen.

me: I did let it happen. And now it's gone. I want you to find someone who loves the way you love.

him: I don't want anybody else. I don't even have an interest in looking.

me: What's there to love anymore? We know I'm not the nicest and quite frankly, I'm at a point where I don't care.

him: You, your smile, your intelligence, your personality, your everything. I'm IN LOVE with the whole package.

me: You're insane.

him: I want to spend the rest of my life figuring out what I can do to make you happy.

me: I don't even know makes me happy. One day I love it, next day I'm over it, day after I hate it.

him: you're the love of my life and someday I want you to be my wife.

me: marriage is scary. it's a gamble and a game I don't think I want to play anymore.




What's the difference between persistence and insanity?

Saturday and Sweatpants

It's no secret, I love these two things so much. Nothing and I mean nothing brings me more joy than Saturdays and sweatpants. I remember waxing poetic about the two one day back in my FAMU days. My flavor of the month (or year, who's counting?) was like, "Damn, can I get some love like that? Let you tell it, you don't need anything else." I replied, "You would love me to love you the way I love sweatpants, don't you? For a split second, you really wanted to be a pair of sweatpants, didn't you?" Then I burst into raucous laughter at his silence that was so telling *LOL* He went on to call me cold or heartless, something along those lines. And you already know that made me laugh even more.

So today, nothing on the agenda. That is the true beauty of Saturday. In case you don't know me, I don't like anything set in stone. Being locked down and I would go as far to say, commitment make me itch. I think it came from all the planning I used to do when I was younger. I would spend Saturdays planning my life. Yes, in 2nd and 3rd grade sitting at the dining table outlining how everything would go. Well, man plans; God laughs. So now, I don't plan. You would think that would ruffle the feathers of a Taurus who needs constant stability but my stability comes from the other virtue a Taurus craves: comfort. Am I happy? Then I'm good. Unhappy? Something needs to change.

I still pinch myself at where I am right now. This was DEFINITELY not in my little second grade mind. It wasn't even in my 27 y.o. mind. I am taking each day at a time and trying to gauge how I feel about this place. Honestly, every day is different. On Thursday, I was ready to up and leave. Now today is Saturday and I'm okay with the infinite possibilities NYC has to offer. I try not to wonder what the next year will hold cause if I latch onto an idea too tough, it won't happen. Well, I won't say it won't happen, it just wasn't meant to be. There's a difference you know.

So what am I going to do today? Maybe buy some boots from SM... hopefully catch the lobster roll food truck... stumble into target and possibly catch a movie. *shoulder shrug* I don't know and I like it like that :-)

i Miss Him

I miss Andrew so much y'all. Even though my work week doesn't allow for very much communication outside of a sprinkle of bus tweets, I bet there would be a way for us to talk everyday. I just miss sharing my day, as mundane as it might be with my best friend. With this new experience, every day I want to share with him. Yes, I call him and of course he doesn't answer, completely understandable... I send an e-mail maybe every other week, a text sparingly...

I just miss my best friend so much. I cry at my loss. If I have a moment with too much silence, it's filled with thoughts of him. That's why I drown myself in work. Saturdays are my favorite days but they are also the worst. The weekends were ours. In our pseudo long distance relationship, the weekends were ours.

*sigh* let me stop before I start crying on this bus. I just had to get that off my heart.