A Nightmare

I walk into a portable with only student desks and a long table present. On the long table, I see my book, a collectable 1st edition hard-cover version of ZAMM separated from its binding; pages ripped out. Dust jacket was removed from the book and on the floor. I run to the table and grab the book like it's a child's lifeless body. It might as well have been. I look at my brother looking bored while surfing the internet at a now present teacher's desk.

"Who did this!? How could this happen?!?"

Without looking up from the screen, he shrugged.

"Stanley!! What happened?! How could you let your friends to do this my book!? This is my book! My FIRST EDITION ZEN!!!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!??!

"It's not that serious."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!? Only ANIMALS would do something like this! Your friends are ANIMALS!"

"Really? Animals? You're calling human beings animals because they ripped a book?"

I stared at him in disbelief. My eyes couldn't get any wider. I grabbed my tattered book to my heart and crumpled to the ground.

"Whyyyyyy? Why would they do something like this!?!?"

Then the tears. You would've thought I lost a child. I was wailing, flailing my arms. I was banging my fist on the floor. I think I was even looking towards the sky like, "Whyyyyyy, God!? Whyyyyyy!?"

I woke up and the pillow was across the room. I see I got physical and was throwing things!

Anyway, going to analyze this via dream dictionary to see what books and crying symbolise cause that ish right there, serious!

Thoughts that Cement Why I May Be Considered a B

1. do ugly people know they are ugly or do they think they look normal?

2. for real, why do Africans yell their phone conversations? you don't have to yell across the Atlantic, 'talk normal' in the phone.

3. i secretly think my dad sent me to this Ghanian wedding ("as a representative of the Ks of So.Fla") to catch somebody's eye. let it be known, i don't do straight off the plane.

4. i am so in love with the color purple now. can i let you in on a secret? the color of my bridesmaid dress? the one i was hemming and hawing about? yeah, i dig it. i got it on my nails (OPI*s 'planks. a lot') and i found a wisteria scarf. and i bought an eggplant colored dress from the G A P, and then a v-neck tee.

5. i can really go for some mango salsa right now. i think i will make some this morning and tear it up this evening.

6. this guy wanted to dance with me last night. sir, i won't dance with you and let me let you know why.

a) we're at a underground karaoke bar.

b) you have on a 'VIP' tag at said bar.

c) if i look closely, i really think you're wearing a linen 'fit'.

and this was NOT the man missing a front tooth! this was someone else!

Lastly,

Yesterday, i mentioned to someone that i hadn't gotten a perm since the beginning of april and that i may skip relaxers for the whole summer. whatever the case, i talked abt a product a mostly natural friend of mine uses* and you would NOT believe the heat i got! like, i really should've ignored the person but she got me on the wrong day at the wrong time and i went in on her!

first of all, she felt the need to let me know that #TeamNatural rules state you don't advocate a product unless you've used it yourself.

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*record scratch*

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*blink, blink*

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pause.

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hold the press.

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stop the bus, i want off.

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WAIT ONE FUTHERMUCKING MINUTE.

di-?

Did yo-?

DID YOU JUST START A SENTENCE WITH "THE TEAM NATURAL RULES...

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH, TAKE AND HAVE ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE SEATS!

after i told her where she can put those raggedy ass rules made by i guess the Boss Queen and COO of Natural People (see: some random with a u-tube channel), SHE TRIED TO DEFEND HERSELF BY SAYING, "Well maybe not rules, but there are guidelines. You know how relaxed people know to wrap their hair at night? well, there are guidelines for natural people too."

*logs off*

*she's not transitioning on purpose, she just has been working the flat iron and saw how east it was to be chemical free. it wasn't a CONSCIOUS decision, it was more a money/time crunch

hoe, siddown

i'm in a mood. send your thanks to the headache that slowly moves behind my eyes. and your neighborly early 20-something year old. they're all a bunch of hipsters.

early 20s suck.

you reeeeeeaaaally think you got it going on; you this bad bitch, thinking you got your head on your shoulders, you're so "fierce" and "fancy", got your lil degree and can't be told NOTHIN.

20s are a hazing, humbling decade. you start it off as this "rawr, hear me roar!" being and then you fade when you realize:

1. you're not invincible

2. you come a dime a dozen

3. God laughs at your well made plans

you know how many people want or need your job? how many people want or need that spot in grad school? you know how many people have that same dress, that same hairstyle? you know how many people knew about that artist BEFORE you?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 20 BEFORE?

i feel like somebody's auntie when i say this but... calm down, chill out, slow down. no need to be the baddest, fiercest, most natural, most eccentric, the wittiest, cattiest, most anything. be yourself and everything will work out fine.

i think.

Surreal/So Real

if there's one thing I can say about 2011, it is a hell of a year. Literally starting from Day 1 when I was standing in below zero temperatures and having the time of my life in Denver to today, the past 6 months have been nothing less than eventful. But when I'd exclaim, "This can't be life!" it so really is.

january, i skipped the first two days of school to party and recoup in Denver. it was then I considered moving to a place colder than I've ever been. but ya'll know me, I want to move everywhere i visit.

february, things started getting fuzzy in my personal life. I moved out of the house and had two guy roommates. it was cool but when word got out I was living with two guys (and totally innocent BTW)...

march, I lost my fiancee and best friend in one fell swoop. we've been together half each other lives, since i was 14 and he was 15. do you know what that is like? to lose someone you love? i didn't want to die but i wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long time. every time i got sad, i wanted to call him but that wouldn't work cause i hurt him to his soul. i was stuck. school was getting tough b/c of the foolishness in administration. i was crying at the drop of a dime any and everywhere. as much as i tried to shield my children from my pain, I couldn't even do that and that in itself made me even more sad. I'd cry and their dispositions would change. their little hands would rub my back or write me notes in their journals. I still have them and will probably frame them. if i didn't have this class this year, who knows where i'd be. they are amazing children who I will never forget and love dearly.

also in march, i found my for real teacher voice. i stood up to the powers that be and honestly thought i would lose my job. i didn't, i got on her bad side, but i held my head high in the hallways and became that BITCH. I became the teacher who worked wonders with children who were deemed failures. i also became the teacher who was not the one to fuck with. no more taking backward compliments with a giggle, no more stopping what I was doing cause you think your task is more important. this school year deserves the title "Good Girl Gone Bad". No more smiling, no more fakeness. When a guy acts this way, he's assertive, he's a BOSS. When a woman acts this way, she's a B. I'll be that. The baddest one, too.

april, i moved back home *hangs head*. a friend of mine had a baby boy. my sister graduated from college. so many things about our family came out during this month... i've said it in much earlier posts; i really don't know who the good side is. i can only justify it by saying 'no man chooses evil because it is such, he only mistakes it for the good he seeks.'. not saying there are dastardly deeds going on but people aren't thinking, just doing and that doesn't work when a family is involved.

one of my oldest friends lets me know she's going thru a divorce, 6 months after her nuptials. she tells me the first 4 months were cool and after that, it became night and day. I couldn't wrap my mind around the beautiful wedding and the couple that dated for 5 years before finally wedding. then it hit me: that could've been me. I feel blessed that she shared something so painful and honestly quite embarassing with me. We talked, cried, and laughed over our eerily similar situations. She reassured me that i did the right thing by listening to my little voice. It's better to have an ex-fiance than an ex-husband. ain't that the truth.

may, i turned 29 and wish i could've just skipped to 30. my actual birthday was one of the less favorites... i shared it with mother's day and my sister's pageant. the next day was ruined by my overly concerned father. then the day after that was ruined by a sub at my school who got upset i decided not to take two days off. i get upset thinking about the big deal she made out of it...

it's been a year since my godfather passed and i wished he was here even more than ever with this past school year. his son, my godbrother is getting married in the DR. I was supposed to go with D but that pre-honeymoon wasn't going to happen. so weird telling godfamily why I can't make it. i'm still getting emails and text messages... i really thought i cancelled my MSWedding account but is see Desy dresses didn't get the memo and DB keeps reminding me my wedding is in less than 2 months so i need to get my dress NOW. *buries head in pillows, tosses phone against wall*

another friend of mine had a baby boy. two babies in 10 days. they don't even speak the other's name and they used to be tighter than might. it's weird holding one baby and wanting to talk abt the other.

june, school's out. hanging with a friend who's been dating a guy less than 6 months and they are already talking babies. Yes, he's that guy who La was talking about. They really do exist. He has names picked out for the boy and girl they are going to have. I hopped in the car and JR is telling him the important friends he's needs to know cause they'll be her bridesmaids... umm? i so missed a memo. more weddings are on deck for the year and I'm finally in a place where I can talk about them with true joy. i'm excited for my friends, i know that marriage is a beautiful thing, it's just not a beautiful thing for me right now and as of June 5, 2011, i'm deliciously okay with that.