Terra Hades

it all started this morning. I had that familiar contraction feeling and looked at my biological clock app. It has NOT been 32 days, you have got to be kidding me. Grrrrr... whatever the case I also remembered the outfit Cardo picked out for me and was thinking how those pants would work today. I already wanted to veto either the top or the bottom but, it's a challenge, gotta take the good with the bad.

I showered, dressed, and hit the road. i left earlier than usual so the lights were in my favor. Cool, park in my spot and thought to tidy up a bit. If I take one thing out of the car, it will be that much cleaner. Let me take this sweet tea outta here. Reach for the cup and *SWOOOOOOSH!* SWEET FUTHERMUCKING TEA ALL OVER MY ABS AND DEFINITELY IN MY LAP!!! I can't believe this! I step out of the car in hopes some of the liquid will drain into the street and I know I hollered "Fcuk my futhermucking life!" (but the real words). This can't be life right now. Now i'm standing and looking at the sweet tea soak into the drivers seat... OMG, Not cool. Okay, calm down, you have a whole closet in your trunk. I pop the trunk and get a beach towel, some yoga pants and a white tee. I try and soak up some tea from my seat but realize my clothes aren't getting any drier. Leave the towel in the seat and head to campus. My feet are slipping and sliding in the patent leather wedges Cardo picked out. Gotta get out of these too, they def won't go with yoga pants.

I change, slip into my crocs, and the day begins. It's okaaaay aside from my-uterine-region-letting-me-know-it's-still-here-and-would-like-something-to-occupy-its time and me wearing-the-clothes-I-tease-other-teachers-about *sarcasm*... then I remember pre-k is coming to visit. OMG, I have to bring out totally different centers that are age appropriate! My children are reading and writing novels! They do puzzles of dinosaur scenes! let me find some ABC puzzles and two word sentence books for their visit *grumble, grumble*

As you can imagine, the babies coming in reminded me of the WORST time of the school year... I ALWAYS forget how they come to us!!! I ALWAYS for get that they have to learn how to do EVERYTHING!!! I ALWAYS forget they don't know how to read or write! They were in a center for 5 minutes and wanted to move onto the next thing, one started crying cause the group she was paired with didn't do to library center, another one was determined to do spiderman... LAAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!

They left and my uterus REALLY started showing it's ass! Normally, the out of controlness is every other month. I have one bout it ovary who spits out eggs I'm sure will be HELLIONS once they are fertilized and I have the other one who is cool. Not this time. Cool Side wanted to be rebellious. She wanted to let me know, "Hey! I'm not going to be ignored anymore! Take THAT!" *JUDO CHOP* "and THIS!" *KAH-RAH-TAY KICK* "annnnnnnnnd FINISH HERRRRRR!" *NON-STOP RAPID FIRE PUNCHES*

Yeah, I had to take a knee. Then two knees. Then I just fell over. Some child brought me a pillow and I was laid out on the reading rug. I was moaning, I was whimpering, I was trying to find a comfortable position. I got into the fetal position "Ms. K I can see your back tattoo!!" I laid on my back, "Ms. K, I can see your star tattoo!! My mommy has a tattoo on her stomach!" The 600 mg of advil I took an hour earlier meant NOTHIIIIING. I told the children they can go to any center they want to but I should've known better. PAN.DE.MO.NI.UM.I couldn't take it. magic school bus video kept them quiet for 20 mins as I writhed in pain and thought of how I could get home cause there are more symptoms to the monthly than just cramps and I HAD to be ONLY home for them!

Silent snack time, pack your bags, y'all are going to other teachers classrooms. Then a reading coach comes in the room and sees my suffering. She helps me to the clinic where I actually start to cry from pain. As the contractions subside, I realize it's getting closer and closer for me to be getting home. That feeling is not going away. She walks me to my car and my push start doesn't work. MY PUSH START DOESN'T WORK! I CAN'T START MY CAR TO GO HOME! I take the metal key out and realize I don't know where the physical ignition is!!! OMFG, I just want to go home before I make a mess :-( She didn't drive her car today so now we're back in the clinic trying to find someone to take me home. The science lab teacher is all about it. I hobble to her car and we getting home. I'm moaning and she really wants to take me to the hospital but I tell her I've been here and done this before, I just need to go home. Of course we catch all the lights and as we turn down a side street I beg her to stop and pull over. Anything that wasn't digested due to all the attention down below comes up. I wonder if I even chew my food based on what was now in the grass on the side of the road. No wonder my metabolism is so high, my body works HARD to digest food! *yes these are thoughts between heaves*

We sit and get some fresh air. I feel 50% better. I get home and hit the bathroom for the other symptom. Not awesome. I change into looser pants and a loose fitting tee and pass out in my brother's bedroom, dreaming of who I can get to knock me up and rid me of this monthly curse.