put on a happy face

While I was going thru my personal turmoil, honestly for WEEKS now, never once did anyone say, "Hey Ms. K, you seem off. Are you okay?" Not that I was looking for that cause I really don't want people all in my business but, Dani said it plainly one day on GChat. "You're too put together." Being a woman, I think we feel like we have to keep it moving, put on that happy face and pretend like everything is okay when in fact it is not. I def don't want my class to suffer as a result of what's going on in her personal life but is Ms. K suffering?

Something like Katrina had to happen for my gates to finally come crashing down. I.broke.down.in the school elevator yesterday. I was tired of pretending everything was ok or was going to be okay. I crumpled up in the corner and bawled. Luckily, no one needed the elevator at the time so I had a few precious moments of cleansing cry before the second floor beckoned. The door opened and a parent walked in. "Oh Ms. K, are you alright? I've never seen you like this, you're always so happy!" I wiped my tears only to start crying again when I replied, "no I'm not ok. I'm very unhappy right now. My personal life is a mess but you know what? I will be ok. I have to be."

It all stems from her. Every issue an complex.
She is here at school telling me what to do.

the unhealthy way

Those of you that know me know I don't deal with issues. I avoid them in hopes that they will go away. In highschool, instead of breaking up with someone, i'd ignore them and eventually they got the point. The issue with his parents was one that I didn't ignore but did at the same time. I ignored it when I realized progress in whatever form was not going to happen. But then I brought it up only to pseudo ignore it again.

Just this past week, not even a full week since an exposing of intentions and feelings, I THOUGHT we made some headway. I got excited and felt a little flutter of excitement. Ignored the blatant fact and realized yet again, I've been assuaged. Oh, but I tried to make it seem like we have a resolution when in fact we didn't. We had a better, and honestly unchallengeable excuse. I say excuse b/c it could've been easily shared and these years of limbo could've been saved. The physical reason, meh. The reason why you kept that, no way.

Yesterday was what happens when you avoid something for too long, when you deal in an unhealthy way. It doesn't go away, it waits for the right moment to rear its ugly head.

fin

it's finally over. not how i wanted but over nonetheless.

i def created the biggest mess of my young life. messier than trying to get myself out of academic suspension. that was nothing compared to the pain i put someone i considered my best friend thru. what happened? i stopped feeling. i got numb. you may even say i stopped caring. i cant help that that was how i felt but i couldve and shouldve handled how i dealt with it.

I didn't tell him I've moved on. Why? I thought that deeeeeeeeeep inside, we better yet, I could feel the love again. Not love, I do love him but PASSION again. I simply just wanted to be his friend. I've felt this way for some time. Now I don't think we'll ever be friends. The love wasn't what it used to be and passion was gone but the respect should've stayed the same. And THAT'S where I went wrong. For that, I am truly sorry beyond words.