Alone vs Lonely

When I was in college, I never wanted to be alone. I had to be up under someone. At Hampton, I was always in someone's dorm room or lobby. Once I got to FAM, the townhouse I lived in my 1st year always had someone in it and it was close enough to campus that people often stopped by (#notagoodlook). The last 4 years were spent in a house almost outside of Tally. Although it really wasn't that far, nobody was stopping by. And it was okay, sometimes. StanKK and I had a roomie that we both got along with so it was always good times. But then the year she left, and it was just me and StanKK, you all may remember the turmoil.

But back to the topic at hand. Even though I enjoyed having a house when most people were living in dorms or apartments, I found myself flocking to those apartments. I wasn't alone but def felt lonely in the house. I damn near lived with Kitty and Trish till the both graduated and left Tally. It was that same year (2005) that I found myself in probably the most toxic relationship I've ever been in. I didn't think too much that year, just went. To his house, to his parties, to his shows. I wanted to be wherever he was cause I knew if I was there, she couldn't be there. Oh yeah, there was another one, but I chose to ignore the signs and be up under him, move her out the way. I eventually got the picture and so did he (lol).

And even before the toxic and potentially gay sociopath, I've pretty much had a boyfriend or something close (SMH) since I started college. Someone who I could go to when I felt lonely and when I wanted to get out of my world. "I don't want to look at my closet anymore. TV here is boring. These 4 walls are driving me crazy. I know, I'll go to his lobby/dorm/apartment/house." and so I'd go. Just so I wouldn't be alone. Or lonely.

I think of the person I called a social butterfly... I think I was lonely and just flitting around trying to find a place. Caught between the vastly different worlds of HU and FAMU. Talking to him, too ghetto. Holla at him, 'our kind of people' and thinks he knows it (this fool TOLD me, "I'm a light-skinned, catholic, alpha. I'm our kind of people" I sure did ask him, "then what are you doing at FAM? and shouldn't you be episcopalian?"), pass on you and your falsely inflated ego.

It's times like now I am soooooo glad I'm done with college. Way too experimental for me. Too much change and turbulence. Too many emotions that some may not be able to handle. I'm glad I was able to get out of there unscathed and into the arms of Andrew. It was exciting to be up under him every weekend when I first graduated from college. But even he can be smothering. (post coming soon!)

Now that I have my own place, I am cool with being alone. I'm very fortunate for this opportunity to be me, by myself, for myself. Cooking and cleaning is all on me. TV doesn't have to be on for the sake of noise in the house. I don't think of "whose place can I go to?" anymore, I just think, "I can't wait to be alone." not lonely.