just that quick

i freaking just typed this on my sidekik and it doesn't want to publish.  fcuk ish.

i need my mother to realize we are not the same person.  just cause she's the type to tell you whatever is on her heart and mind and I am not doesn't make me an inconsiderate person.  

am i secretive?  i don't think so.  am i an open book?  i wouldn't say that either.  now granted, you all get a lot on blog but you know and i know that this is some, "tip of the iceberg" ish.

she wanted to know why i didn't tell her i'm considering going back to school.  from my p-o-v, its cause I really wasn't sure yet. many people do but don't know I got into grad school last year but didn't go.  i talked a big game, on an impluse took the GRE and did nothing with it this past school year.  yeah, i didn't want that again.  not this time untill i am freaking registered for school! or at least have an admission letter.

another reason why i didn't readily share that info... she came out and said it!  "I'd never discourage anyone from getting an education but i would  mention that you're turning 27 and the guys in tallahassee are younger.  andrew and his job are here so you know he's not moving to tallahassee.  you can go to FAU cause andrew is here and you aren't getting younger.  ms. farrington stayed in tallahassee for her phd and to this day, she never married and never had kids."

REALLY?!?!

anyway, she just put a damper on my balloon blowing and in essence, birthday prep.  she's emotional cause she feels left out of the loop.  well, if you act like your sunsign (cancer) every time someone has a zest for change, what do you expect?

this is only conditioning.  ask anyone if i tell my motives.  i remember the days of highschool and even college from far away when I found myself telling her my moves only to be intercepted or prevented from something. "A couple of us are going out after the game so Kitty will drop me off"  "NO! Come home right now!  You're not going anywhere!"  It was a running joke over chirstmas break when everyone was down from college that I was out and about.  in my almost 27 years, I can't shake that feeling that I cannot share my moves with you. 

maybe i am secretive.  but its a defensive mechanism.  don't judge me for it cause you judged me before it.