Buenos Dias

It's 221 in the morning. Do you know where your Adei is?

1. Whitney died today. Such a shock! Everyone who was born in the early 80s loved them some Whitney. EVERYONE. Men and women. Her national anthem rivals that of marvin gaye's (I think hers is better, less "remixed") and of course she was the talent show go-to for YEARS. (Sexual Chocolate anyone?) But of course, the thing with social networks is you get some people who have to let people know they won't join the bandwagon of whatever the public sentiment is. Valentine's Day, Father's Day, 9/11; isht, even B.I.C.'s pics yesterday, there's always that one (or four).

2. Boo Thang told me he went to meet someone he met online and they went out for drinks in the upper west side. He seriously thinks dude put something in his drink cause he's never had margaritas that "strong" before. Because he was feeling weird, he didn't think he'd make it home (BK) on the train so they went to dude's house. Dude asked if he could ____ and BT said ok. When he woke up this morning, dude was trying to ____ some more and this time BT said no and left. I hate that these things happen and i've been lucky to not have any friends get drugged. I'm so upset for Boo Thang. I told him he needs to go to the police but he's trying to brush it off saying he ok'd it. "No! You were clearly under the influence..." but he's not tryna hear me. Probably cause even though he's gay, he's still a man and you don't know? men don't get raped! *sarcasm*

3. my saturdays have been AWESOME! Last week had two glasses of cab while at the BK museum and because Don Corn. died, it was an old school set the whole night. You'd've thought I never heard the Jackson 5 before! IDK, there's something about hearing your faves on loud speakers that make the songs THAT much better! even songs you don't like hit in the clubs (this timbaland, timberlake, hilson song sticks out right now...). After that, speech pathologist and another 1st grader teacher and I hit up Manhattan. I got a peach cosmo at some cool lounge near Times Square and then we went to a club. A bit housey for my taste but we had VIP/bottle service so I wasn't complaining. We know how that night ended. phone left in the cab,

4. speaking of phone, i haven't been too pressed to get a new one. although there are times when I NEED to talk to people, I can still communicate and that's all that matters. No phone makes me more accountable for where I'm going to be at what time. I have to order my steps b/c if I don't, I'm late to work or lost with no-one to call. yeah, that happened on Thursday. (It had to be thursday, didn't it?) I took my assistant out to dinner for all the hard work she does in the classroom and when it was time to go, I had no idea where I was and where I should go. I walked forever. In that part of Brooklyn, there are nothing but yellow cabs. (close to Man). I HATE yellow cabs. They know nothing about the other boroughs. I climb into one and tell him my cross streets. Nothing. I finally tell him I live in Bed-Stuy (most yellow cabs don't go there) and still nothing (I think he was faking.) He asked if I needed to go to Queens so then i ask, "Do you have GPS???" He says no. I get out and slam the door.

OH THIS IS WHY I LOST MY PHONE IN A CAB LAST WEEKEND!!! I TOOK IT OUT TO GET DIRECTIONS TO MY HOUSE FROM FUCKING MANHATTAN!!!!! BUT DRUNKY ME FORGOT TO PUT IT BACK IN MY PURSE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I HATE YELLOW CABS!

So I'm walking what seems like forever in luckily, the nice part of BK. But it's cold, late and a school night. I don't know how many blocks I walk, I finally see a livery cab. I tell him my cross streets, he tells me his price, i talk him down $2 and it's all good in the neighborhood.

5. I can't wait to go home and get my car. It has been consuming my mind since Christmas break.

6. I found a salon that does relaxers for $45 ($35 on Mon-Wed!) and she's a block away from my place. Yeah, basically the opposite direction as my Domi salon. She uses Mizani... what's a girl to do??????????????????? I really don't need to relax so why should I? cause it's there! and my hair is shinier with a relaxer! and I can do roller wraps with relaxers! and my edges won't look like Baa Baa Black Sheep!!!
Y'all know I'ma go back and forth with this. It's my hair, what else am I going to talk about??

7. My principal wants me to teach kindergarten next year... IDK how I feel about that. After having a taste of 1st grade, will I be able to go back to Where the Wild Things Are???? And in NY, you can be 4 y.o. in kinder. #HolUp

8. I don't know what has taken me so long but I am soooooo ordering Ugly Betty s3 and s4 from amazon! I watched a totally random episode and it brought me sooooo much joy! Thank you B. Suarez for adding to my love of Saturday!

9. Tomorrow is brunch day. I think I will have a brunch of baked goods. There's a pie place in Park Slope (BK), my patisserie in SoHo, cookies in Midtown and Oprah's cake place in Harlem. Wait, seeing how the high will only reach 32 degrees, I need some 'strategery' on how to make all that happen...

10. I cooked last week. Ribs, baked beans, corn, cornbread. I don't think I cooked the ribs long enough (too hungry) and they make me sick. Maybe my body isn't used to pork anymore. Oysters and sushi it is.

Alright good people, this was your weekly update! XOXO :-)

lush

i'm still drunk. luckily, no hangover. unlucily, i think i left my phone in the cab. a yellow cab at that :-(

Happy Saturday

I'm eating leftover Chinese food in bed while listening to my iToons libe. Get like me.

*waves*

1. Don't you pseudo hate that person who disappears from a social network and then comes back with vim and vigor like they never left? And they always come back with the *waves excitedly* lol

2. We've gone from blogs with limitless word counts to status updates with technically no limit on a word count (but let's be real, we hate that person who makes us click 'see more') to tweeting up to 140 characters to instagram which is basically wordless Wednesday everyday. I suppose you can have a caption but the point is, "what's next?" FB has gone the route of graphic organizer with that damn timeline!

3. Officer Anderson Cooper: yeah, no. We have totally opposite schedules so it was pointless. But what really sealed the deal was a text message response. Actually, two in a row.

Me: Hey, just got home, how's it going?
AC: Kool, about to go in now. I sleeped all day.









*record scratch*



Wait. Di-


Did he just type the word 'sleeped'?!?!
HOW CAN YOU SEE THAT IN PRINT AND NOT HAVE A GNAWING FEELING IN YOUR GUT THAT THAT IS SO WRONG?!?! SLEEPED?!?! *smh*

The next text was a very common mistake. He confused 'their' and 'there'.
You're an NYPD cop, you carry "heat" on our dates but this is what trips you up? Like one of my oldest friends once quipped, "Homonyms steal thugness." -DMG
Also, what was up with spelling "cool" with a K? Hated that ish in undergrad, def don't want to see it now, from a 40 y.o. Irishman.

4. I'm really at a loss for what to do for my birthday. So unlike me. I blame it on it falling on a Tuesday.

5. I really don't like watching clips that are viral sensations. Mostly b/c most of America is corny and I end up saying, "really? That's what kathy lee and hoda were making a big deal abt (why do I love those two soooooooo much?!?!). Anyway, this morning, I finally watched the Isht WG say to Black Girls. It was a little funny but only cause I know Franchesca and have known her for.ever. What she was actually saying tho? Meh. I wasn't around those girls who would say things like that. She definitely was. (Dani, Nima, and Patti; she either went to Benjamin or Kings Academy. I think she endd up graduating from Dreyfoos). Anyway, like with movies, I didn't see the big deal but I kept watching the spinoffs. Isht Black Girls say was funny cause I used to live with THAT black girl. Again, I know those videos are parodies but I'm still uninspiried. Isht Vegans Say wasn't funny but Isht Gay Guys say to Straight Guys actually got a chuckle out of me. LOL

6. I really don't like poor service at nice restaurants. It makes me feel like you're only treating me that way b/c you don't think I belong in your restaurant. Yeah, I'm pulling the race card. Sure I'm not your typical white guy wall street banker white collar criminal who orders the delmonico steak and puts it on the COMPANY card, but my money is still very valid and I hate that I got no love last night. To top it off, that meal was so run-of-the-mill. Pass, have a seat, FOH, and everything else I can think of.
I don't think I've ever been impressed with steakhouses. They are soooooo expensive for something I KNOW I can make at home. Steak and pureéd potatoes?! Really? Stop.

7. So I'm done with Levain. I'm onto Make My Cake. Their red velvet cupcake... THA BIZNESS. The best I've ever had.

8. I love that January is almost done and we've only had one snow. And it was on a Saturday :-) TAKE THAT LAJAMEILIONTE!!! Ha HA! Come onnnnnnn, February and March!

9. My niece is almost here! OMG, I'm so excited! She's gonna be the perfect mix of peanutbutter and dark chocolate!! Yeeeeeee! Oh, J didn't want pink for her. Baby JJ will be swathed in soft yellows and greens. So much for that pink Calvin Klein blanket I got her... *hmph*

10. Two of my crushes got engaged. One of them made me lose my mind, real talk. I got for real hysterical and that even more hysterical at my hysterics. I love how b/c I wasn't ready for marriage, no-one else should be lol, ass.

Last thing, totally random so be prepared:

You know who I am? I'm that horse you can lead to water but you can't make drink.

The Gays

Went to BAM yesterday for the opening of the new feminist exhibit and of course First Saturday where the third floor atrium turns into a dance floor... I met up with my fave gay who happened to move to BK the same time I did, from Florida as well. He's the one who introduced me to sushi many moons ago back when we were students at FAMU. We also attended St. Michael's AND had internships at the same elementary school in Leon County! Yeah, he was my boy. I remember when we were coming from lunch when JBB apparently followed us and got loud in his driveway. Whitman (fake name) said, "Handle your business." in such a way, I felt invincible.

Anyway, I meet up with him and of course he has "the guys" with him... omg, gay guys are the best. The house music was pumping and the men were vogue-ing left and right. I saw some GORGEOUS gays and unfortunately, a lot of unattractive lezes *shudder*. It was an okay time, glad I didn't get there too early. After the museum was when Whitman and I started to catch up. He flat out told me "This city is 70% gay, Stace. There are so many boys out here, I don't know what to do with myself. I guess you don't want to hear this though..." I laughed and told him it's totally okay; I love gay guys. To the point I wish I could date one, but with me still as a straight female, however that would work lmao. We laughed and caught up over tortilla soup and plantains at a nearby Mexican restaurant.

One thing I noticed, he is so much more open up here. Even though there was a definite homo population at FAMU, they were still closeted. Never once did I hear the word "gay" come out of Whit's mouth while we were in Tallahassee. But last night, I almost had to tell him, "honey, I know." I'm happy for him. I'm happy for people who are comfortable in their own skin.


Yesterday, I went and had sushi. The two lezes at our school invited themselves to my dinner of one. I didn't mind, it was cool to talking to people outside of my team. They too told me NYC is heaven for them. Both of them are from the MidWest (IL and MN by way of MO) and didn't come out till they moved here 3-4 years ago. How sad is that that you can't be yourself? I can definitely attest to bringing out your true colors. I'm so much more assertive here. I love it. I wonder what else I will learn nd become while i'm here for what I sense will be a season...

slightly emo stace

*exhale*

The first Saturday of the year. So far, I'm loving it. Well, I'd like it even more if I would put away the clothes on my bed but whatever, it's Saturday.


I just realized I haven't had a relaxer since Oct 23. I don't know how i feel about that. I def don't miss it but I don't want to be dependent on intense levels of heat for my hair to be straight. I think what I'm really worried about is finding a nice black salon to re-touch my hair. The last one I went to was all hype and the ones in Man are simply out of my teacher budget. I guess that answers my question: $15 root blow-outs at the Dominican salons till whenever.

I paid all my bills yesterday. Sometimes I hate it but yesterday, it felt so good. I am so blessed to only have an AmEx bill (that was surprisingly low for a post Christmas balance), car note and insurance, and cell phone bill. I thank my dad every.single.day for no student loans. Him and FL Bright Futures.

It was hard for me to come back to NY after spending time with family in NoVA and of course Florida. It was like that first day of school when I was trying to get a job with DC Public schools. I didn't cry this time; I was (luckily) so engrossed in This Side of Paradise, it didn't hit me till later. But I did cry that morning it was -2 degrees. I cried b/c people wouldn't let me off the crowded ass bus and I had to walk an extra block to get to school. I was soooooo sad.

I said I want a big blowout party for the 30th but I don't think I want that anymore. Unless it can be spent in South Florida, (at the Mayfair Resort to be exact), I just want my girls and I to eat at a fabulous restaurant and drink top shelf till our heads fall off. and if Nigella Lawson can be there, i'd be even more excited. I love that thick hoe!
Ugh, it's on a Tuesday. Which means the Sunday before is Mothers' Day which means I won't be able to do anything till the weekend after my birthday, the 11-13th.

*blink*
#wack

Anyway, I want a croissant and a cookie on this fine Saturday. Maybe a stroll thru Central Park... ttyl

NY in NY

Trying to decide if I want to go to Times Square... I know it will be utterly bananas down there; ish, the subways were crazy for the Rock tree lighting!! Officer Anderson was telling me i'd have to get there around 6pm and basically stay in one spot till the ball drops. He was also saying when the time comes, he can get me close but let's review: You want me to willingly be exposed to the elements for hours on end? I dunno about that. Plus, allllll those people might get on my nerves. I'm not one to shy away from crowds, I love being where the party's at but... I'm feeling some kinda way abt Times Square. I would rather be in a club or bar and watch from the TV, like what I did in ATL, DEN, and MIA in the past. Good times, good friends, good drinks, WARM!

I'm sure anywhere I go will be fun. I just want to wear sequins and have a drink in my hand, is that too much to ask?? Not in NY! So far I'm debating on a see-thru shirt with gold sequined shoulders or a silver sequined beret... decisions decisions! LOL

Having a Moment...

looking at all the lovely pictures posted on FB and the web, I cannot BELIEVE how "grown" we are! Everyone is up and married, married with children, married with 2 children...! When did all this happen?!!?

What is blowing my mind are the terms 'husband' and 'wife'. For the longest time, those two words applied to people my parents age and older! So now to see lifelong friends, classmates, campmates, former Girl Scouts, cousins, and siblings with a 'husband' or 'wife'?? AMAZING! And it only makes sense, when our parents got married 30+ years ago, they were in their 20s (sheesh, much earlier 20s than nowadays...)

So I'm looking thru an album of a girl I went to middle and high school with. SHE (if you knew her, it would blow your mind)... is somebody's wife and mother! and for Christmas, her hubby (of almost 5 years BTW) re-did her kitchen and she is THRU THE ROOF elated! YO!! Who would've and could've called that?! I remember when a handle of vodka or a case of beer and a mini skirt would've been IT for her!

Another girl I've known since summer camp... I just told her, "I remember when we were learning how to step in the gym at Roosevelt..." now she's also a wife and a mother of two and taking those family holiday pictures you used to get from your PARENTS' friends!! OMG, I can't believe this is us now!

Lastly, I just saw a picture of the newest baby boy to add to the 234,245,310 born in 2011. GORGEOUS. And he belongs to a friend of mine!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!


Here's to the new year of friends, family, and beautiful growth! I'm so excited for all of you (and myself!) LOVE Y'ALL!!

Smoove Operator

Went to watch the Knicks game with Officer Anderson Cooper, right? Starts raining, he goes to get his car then comes and scoops me (I might've made a big deal about my hair getting wet). Pulling up to my house, he says, "You may have to run so your hair doesn't get wet and I agree. I make a mad dash for the apt building; running up the stairs and I trip.

I trip UP the damn stairs. I tripped so loud that my cousin who was INSIDE the apartment, opened the door and asked, "damn, did you just fall? Are you okay? It sounded bad."

Cool points fell like a slinky down the staircase.

And that was how my date ended.

Randoms

I'm home the earliest I've ever been since I moved to NY and I don't know what to do with myself! I called Officer Anderson to see what he's up to. He's not working tonight so we're trying to figure out what to do. In the mean time, some random thoughts.

1. I really don't like Indian food. I think it's way too expensive for what is never pleasing to the eye. It always looks like slop to me. You eat with your eyes first. Also, the flavors are just too much. I bite into something soft and white and I'm hit with a vinegary oniony taste? Does not compute. It messes with my head too much.

2. There was a student in my class two years ago named Giovanni. His brother was Leonardo and his sisters were Giada and Franchesca. Italian much?!?!? I loved that child! and I do like the name Giada. It's so feminine and pretty.

3. I took myself to a sushi restaurant last night. They didn't have any fancy rolls but I thoroughly enjoyed my food. The simple rolls were so fresh and delicious. It made me think of the restaurants Drew and I used to frequent. One was Nakorn, simple and fresh sushi, a few fancy rolls. The other was Sushi Room, the fancy flashy rolls, also DELISH. *sigh* Drew and I used to go INNNN on some sushi. and every time he picked me up from the airport, there was always a brown paper bag with some rolls just for me.

4. So my mom is still in Ghana. My dad came home yesterday. Our Christmas will be Pops and his two daughters. I think we will migrate to Stessica's or maybe they'll come our way. Whatever the case, I have my brother's gift. I need 3 more. And of course the one w/o the job wants the most extravagant things!! Mini Me's list made me bust out laughing, real talk.

5. Every time I unwrap my hair, I think, "Wraps are so boring. Do I want to cut my hair again?" I think I will have a long hair end date, like Nima. She didn't cut her hair till after her wedding. I may wait till the 30th for either the hair cut or the last long hair hoorah. Stay tuned.

6. Tonight was our holiday party, both at school and as a network. Yeah, I celebrated with Brooklyn and passed on the City. I don't like those people. If I don't have to spend anytime with those people, I won't. I don't care if it's bowling or not (and I like bowling).

7. I have a green bubble, a green FAMU hoodie, a dark green FAMU sweatshirt, a green FAMU tee, and an olive green smocked one sleeve dress. I need more green clothes. Damn you, Pops.

8. I really like kiwi strawberry flavor. I can drink KS snappl all day and eat KS candy all night.

9. I can't wait to be back in the DMV for a little spell! I really love being there! I think the area is calling me back! The urge has to be great for me to leave NYC, I just got here!

10. What can't I wait to do when I get home?? Drive! Drive to Publix! Drive to the beach! IN THAT ORDER! Well, maybe I should drive to my waxing place. But that's in Jupiter... oh well! I'ma be a driving fool! ROAD TRIPS ON DECK!

Okay, i'm done with this mid-week post. TTYL!

Vanity

so this guy I used to talk to back in the FAMU days just asked to be my friend on FB. He's the one who after a while, I couldn't STAND b/c he loved being a light-skinned Alpha who happened to be Catholic. He was starting this up while we were talking and even used some places we'd frequent to promote on the site. I remember putting him on to chocolate martinis on V-Day then all the hoes started jumping on my drink cause they read about it on DGL... *eyeroll* he didn't even give me credit. He was a certified asshole once his lil webpage started to jump-off.

it's changed. well, it has been 5+ years, lol

Anyway, I confirmed request and started looking thru his pics. Yo, he has NOT aged well. Like, he looks OLLLLLLD. Receding hairline, crows feet, poppa belly, et al. Meanwhile, I'm here getting better with age (lmao).

I just wonder if he's looking thru my pictures and saying, "Damn, I messed that up." or "Wow, she looks really good! She's always been cute but now she's simply gorgeous!" or whatever else guys say when they realize the err of their ways, HA!

I'm a mess right now.

Next note, I think I have a really nice clavicle.

Totally random, I know.

But for real, in the pictures that people like of me, I noticed my clavicle frames my head/face quite nicely. I think it's one of those unconscious things about beauty. You know why someone or something is pleasing to the eye, but you can't put your finger on it.

Lastly, I really and truly believe with all my heart, all my girls look amazing. I don't think there's a weak link in my crew. There is no "ugly friend" in my group. Whatever your type, she's here with personality to boot.

So that's my Saturday feel good rant. I'm wearing my sweatpants, went to the salon and now i'm thinking about sushi :-) Life is good (on the weekend).

Christmas Wish List

I really don't want that much... I mean, there are a ton of things I want but this is a Christmas wish list, not a *cross my fingers I hope I hit the lottery* list!

I want a lot of TV box sets.

I want Tru Blood, Gossip Girl, Ug Betty 2-4, whatever Modern Fam is out, New Girl, and Dexter.

I want music.

I want Jay's whole collection.

I want pashminas and shawls.

I have so many colors and there are so many more to be had! I still don't have a green joint!!! What gives?! I think my dad has scared the green away from me. IT'S ALL NIGERIAN GREEN!

Because of my No Shave November that has extended into December, I'm the queen of tights. Stockings, tights, leggings, the whole lot. I love them all. I wore there gray lace ones the other day and my school didn't know what to do with themselves. Then there are the argyle joints that are always fun with a solid dress. Whatever leg accessory you think would be cute will work for me!

I've always been an accessory lady. If my leg game is snoring boring, best believe I have on a cool headband. My colleagues went crazy for a thin black headband that had a grommet-ed star on it. I guess it was a faux fascinator but whatever, I rocked it. Again, no blossoms. Bows and stones y'all, bows and stones.

I used to fight it but... I'm feeling leopard print. Matter of fact, my party theme is a toss up between 'Leopard and Loubs' and 'Red, White, and Loub'. Leopard can be the fiercest thing ever and yet too often, it's gaudy. Almost in the same vein as ugly Christmas sweaters, i want to wear the hell out some leopard print, in earnest! Please don't let me grow up to be that person who finds the beauty in ugly clothes. Cause i'm really not trying to be ironic about leopard or Christmas sweaters, I really do like them!

Brooklyn, what have you done to me?

But back to leopard.

if you see a cool scarf, cuff, cocktail ring, wristlet, hat, belt, clutch, Louboutins... (IJS, there are some ballers out in the blogworld!)

Giftcards are always good.

I like XPress and theGAP

I want more books. I need Toni Mor's collection. I'm missing Beloved, a mercy, Jazz, and Paradise.

Cashmere tops.

Express used to have this cash pocket tee that was the greatest thing to ever hit their stores. I don't know why they won't bring it back cause it was one of my favorite pieces of clothing. But I got a long sleeve, gray cash v-neck from Target and everyone thought I was wearing a j.crew outfit. (black khaki skirt, gray tights, black flats). You can never go wrong with cashmere, no matter where it's from!

I tink dat's it!

Update

1.

Met up with Officer Anderson* on Sunday. We watched the Pack and G-Men play and he was pleasantly surprised with my football knowledge. But I didn't know what exactly a 'Pick 6' was so I think he felt good being able to explain something to me.

While on the subject of females and football, I think I know what happened.

Hella chicks started pretending to like football so they can seem like that cool ass chick. The Marine? His ex wife used to watch football with him ALLLLL THE TIME. The minute they got married, she fessed up and said, "Ugh, I hate that ish. I'm going to the mall." When we used to hang out, he was very skeptical of me liking football and was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whatever the case, guys got played into thinking their girls like football. It became a pandemic! But now that the fluff has been weeded out, guys are still like, "You like football? For real?" and I stay getting the side-eye! I don't your approval to like football!

So yeah, we met at the Brooklyn Bridge and walked to a pizzeria in The South Seaport of lower Man. As we were walking, there was a tree lighting and carolers in the street! Then before we sat down to watch the game, we looked at the skyline of Brooklyn at dusk. Walked to the other side of the pier and saw Lady Liberty! It was actually surreal. I couldn't believe I was meeting up with a member of the NYPD to eat pizza and watch the Giants play with the sun setting on Brooklyn in the background. Sounds like a cliche' bit in a rom-com!

So we've been chatting but our schedules are complete opposite. Oh well, there was talk of attending a Knicks game and getting me close to the action at NYE :-)

2.

I love flying. I haven't been scared the past two times. There was one time I didn't even know we were landing till I felt the *bump* of tire meeting asphalt. I hope I will always be able to afford to fly and eventually move up to first class as my standard. This weekend, I will be in the DMV for my grandfather's states-side memorial service. I'm more excited at all the family I'm going to see, including my brother :-) I haven't seen him since Labor Day weekend!

3.

I'm going to be an auntie! My very first niece is scheduled to arrive in march and I CAN'T WAIT! I've named her Staceyita and I'ma call her that cause I have a feeling she will be like me:

overprotected.

4.

I've been wearing my hair pinned up and whenever I start removing bobby pins, I'm surprised by how long my hair is :-) No, it's not what it used to be but it is so getting there! I told y'all, Operation Long Hair Don't Care was in effect!!! I can't wait for my hairdresser to see it!

5.

30th birthday. I've decided it will be in either Philly or DC. When I think of those two cities, I think of the birth of a new nation, independence, freedom, all that patriotic stuff. It will most likely be in DC so start planning for GHoGH Parte Deux!!!! Oh, the theme? Red, White, and Loub. Yes, I'm 30, tricks! Gimme my shoes!

6.

Sometimes I love where I work, sometimes I don't.

7.

I really love going out in NYC. I feel so alive and like this is how I'm supposed to be living. Sometimes, it may be a dive bar or some hood spot or some cool lounge in Manhattan. The yellow cabs, the hustle and bustle, guys and girls in their cutest fits, feeling good off of work, the whole vibe. SO ALIVE!

8.

I can't wait to go home and be in some sunshine. but first, the hair on my legs is Fcukin Ridiculous. I saw this on twitter and RT'd promptly: if the PETA people saw my legs, they'd throw paint on them.

*STAMP*

*I call him Officer Anderson b/c he reminds me of Anderson Coop. Small and piercing blue eyes.

Epidemic

I'm getting no love from the brothers of NY. I'm too bourgie for the ones in Burntout Bushwick and BedStuy, I'm not boho chic enough for the ones of Clinton Hill/Ft.Greene/Flatbush, and then I'm too black for the few in Park Slope. You know when I do get love? When I'm wearing sweatpants and walking thru Harlem. But do those catcalls even count? They come from the kind of guys who holler at anything without a penis. Pass.

When in the City, it seems like they are all gay. I know all the bruhs in the System are. Like, a good 95% of them are, I promise you.

WHERE ARE ALL THE BOUT SOMETHING BLACK MEN AT?! let me stumble in an Alpha meeting and finally find some normal black men of substance.

It used to kind of be a joke... then Jam made a point that I'm the most crushed on BG by WGs she's ever met and now, it's becoming an epidemic.

I don't actively seek them out. I promise I don't. I like (what I consider) good looking guys. (and good looking is of course subjective). I don't discriminate. If you have a beard, I'm looking at you and thinking of a way to be in your presence. But these WGs out here?? Thirsty. And this is what crosses my mind each time:

1. Do you have a black girl fetish? Why so interested?

2. Are you a serial killer? Did a black girl hurt you once upon a time?

3. I know I look 19, is that what you're into? 18+?

4. Or are you like me and just like a certain type (small and boyish???? okaaaaay)

I am VERY skeptical of WGs that approach and even ogle (yes. I had to leave) at me. It's great for my ego but it seriously makes me wonder.

Most recently, I got off the train at Rock Center and was headed to the Tree lighting. It was warm on the platform and I realized my longjohns, hoodie, and bubble was excessive. Okay, take off the hoodie & bubble and keep it moving. Then I see a mob of people come in so I tap a police officer and ask, "What's going on with the mad rush of people?" He tells me the ceremony JUST finished but if I REALLY want to go see the tree, I "might as well hang out with [him] for a little while, till the rush dies down." Really officer?

We make small chit-chat, he actually asks a lot of questions, "noticed [I] came to the City alone, no family, boyfriend... or girlfriend", asks if I work out cause I have a fit body (thermals show everything) and when I finally ask if it's okay to go up, he says, "Sure, but let me get your number so we can hang out some time."

Well aren't you direct? Why can't none of my brothers be this direct?

The Fine Line

this is a true life conversation I am comfortable enough to share now.



I realized I wasn't feeling anything. My exact words were, "I'm realizing I don't have a devout love for anyone or anything." to which he says, "That deep down passionate love, the kind I feel in my heart? Everyone has that."

me: I don't. And if I do, it has a shelf life.

him: You just won't let it happen.

me: I did let it happen. And now it's gone. I want you to find someone who loves the way you love.

him: I don't want anybody else. I don't even have an interest in looking.

me: What's there to love anymore? We know I'm not the nicest and quite frankly, I'm at a point where I don't care.

him: You, your smile, your intelligence, your personality, your everything. I'm IN LOVE with the whole package.

me: You're insane.

him: I want to spend the rest of my life figuring out what I can do to make you happy.

me: I don't even know makes me happy. One day I love it, next day I'm over it, day after I hate it.

him: you're the love of my life and someday I want you to be my wife.

me: marriage is scary. it's a gamble and a game I don't think I want to play anymore.




What's the difference between persistence and insanity?

Saturday and Sweatpants

It's no secret, I love these two things so much. Nothing and I mean nothing brings me more joy than Saturdays and sweatpants. I remember waxing poetic about the two one day back in my FAMU days. My flavor of the month (or year, who's counting?) was like, "Damn, can I get some love like that? Let you tell it, you don't need anything else." I replied, "You would love me to love you the way I love sweatpants, don't you? For a split second, you really wanted to be a pair of sweatpants, didn't you?" Then I burst into raucous laughter at his silence that was so telling *LOL* He went on to call me cold or heartless, something along those lines. And you already know that made me laugh even more.

So today, nothing on the agenda. That is the true beauty of Saturday. In case you don't know me, I don't like anything set in stone. Being locked down and I would go as far to say, commitment make me itch. I think it came from all the planning I used to do when I was younger. I would spend Saturdays planning my life. Yes, in 2nd and 3rd grade sitting at the dining table outlining how everything would go. Well, man plans; God laughs. So now, I don't plan. You would think that would ruffle the feathers of a Taurus who needs constant stability but my stability comes from the other virtue a Taurus craves: comfort. Am I happy? Then I'm good. Unhappy? Something needs to change.

I still pinch myself at where I am right now. This was DEFINITELY not in my little second grade mind. It wasn't even in my 27 y.o. mind. I am taking each day at a time and trying to gauge how I feel about this place. Honestly, every day is different. On Thursday, I was ready to up and leave. Now today is Saturday and I'm okay with the infinite possibilities NYC has to offer. I try not to wonder what the next year will hold cause if I latch onto an idea too tough, it won't happen. Well, I won't say it won't happen, it just wasn't meant to be. There's a difference you know.

So what am I going to do today? Maybe buy some boots from SM... hopefully catch the lobster roll food truck... stumble into target and possibly catch a movie. *shoulder shrug* I don't know and I like it like that :-)

i Miss Him

I miss Andrew so much y'all. Even though my work week doesn't allow for very much communication outside of a sprinkle of bus tweets, I bet there would be a way for us to talk everyday. I just miss sharing my day, as mundane as it might be with my best friend. With this new experience, every day I want to share with him. Yes, I call him and of course he doesn't answer, completely understandable... I send an e-mail maybe every other week, a text sparingly...

I just miss my best friend so much. I cry at my loss. If I have a moment with too much silence, it's filled with thoughts of him. That's why I drown myself in work. Saturdays are my favorite days but they are also the worst. The weekends were ours. In our pseudo long distance relationship, the weekends were ours.

*sigh* let me stop before I start crying on this bus. I just had to get that off my heart.

Some Unholy War

Yo, Amy was a straight ride-or-die chick.

Like, have you heard the lyrics to this song??

No, HEARD them?

Staggering.

If my man was fighting

some unholy war

I would be behind him

Straight shook up beside him

with strength he didn't know

it's you I'm fighting for

he can't lose with me in tow

i refuse to let him go

at his side and drunk on pride

we wait for the blow.

Do you have that kind of love for anything? To literally or figuratively take the blow? (even though it's very plausible with Amy, I don't think she's talking about drugs here.)

put it in writing

but who you writing for?

it's just us on the kitchen floor

justice done, reciting

my stomach standing still

like you're reading my will

he still stands in spite of what his scars say

and i'll battle till this bitter finale

just me, my dignity

and this guitar case

She signed her life away to this love. no witnesses, no support. but she doesn't care. would you do the same? Let's say she's talking about Blake (very likely). No-one liked him. Despite what his scars say, she battled till the finale. How would you react to a love no-one else cared for?

yes, yes my man is fighting

some unholy war

and i will stand beside you

but who you dying for?

b, i would've died too

i'd like to

wow.

wow.

it doesn't matter what he was fighting and or dying for. if he's dying for it, she's dying too. that level of unconditional love is mind-blowing to me.

To love something THAT much must hurt. Like, for real. Doesn't your heart ache with all that you would do for something? For a child, when that day comes, I'm sure. But for someone (or something) else? I don't know.

if my man was fighting

some unholy war

if my man was fighting...

Wait, wha?

A lot of these questions/statements may be old news but they were never answered for me.

1. what the hell did Corn.el West (and his new BFF, Rah.eem deVaughn) do to get arrested at the MLK Dedication? and why did they do it? I was appalled and didn't want to know but now I do.

2. tooray (or someone like him) said, "OWS is not a struggle. When you complain about not having wifi at your "struggle", when you have prepared organic food at your "struggle", when you take pics/videos with your iFone, you're not "struggling."

Now where I can kinda see where he's coming from, I want to know what his definition of a "struggle" in 2011 looks like. Are people not supposed to have phones? Does the "struggle" have to deny whatever food sympathizers are feeding them? I'm sorry, was it a hunger strike as well? And I want to know what "struggle" he has been in that he is now the judge on what is and what isn't a struggle. If people are unhappy, let them sit outside and "struggle" the best way they know how: with iFones and starbux in hand.

3. I find it hard to believe ruth made-off had no idea about her husbands doing. I know it's bad but I have no sympathy for them wanting to take their own lives. "We couldn't go on"... you know, not being able to use our black card and take fancy trips wherever and be a part of the upper echelon of society... what I took her confession to mean was "We'd rather die than be poor." You know how many suicides were committed when the stock market crashed in 1929? Rich people can't NOT be rich. "STAY rich or die trying".

4. damn. i totally forgot what else

Faux Bou

so i tried a new salon last wednesday. The name? Burzh-Wah Hair and Spa. (pronounced bourgeois hair and spa)

Oh snap. I'm going to place with the bourgiest name of them all! OMG, the ratings are thru the roof! OMG, it's in Clinton Hill! Okay, calm down, Stace. Just get there early. But first, find something cute to wear.

i had on jeans and a t-shirt and i changed clothes to go get a re-touch. i put on a fitted tee and my skinny jeans. i picked my fave pink pashimina, my rainboots (it was monsooning all day) and even put a headband in my hair. yes, i got jiggy to go to the salon.

I get there 20 minutes early and I'm greeted by a skinny ass salon with 3 chairs; only one occupied. there are two dryers, two pedicure basins that i guess count for the 'spa'. the receptionist wasn't as friendly as i imagined based on the reviews. i really don't like matter-of-fact people in the service industry. and your faux bourgieness? drop it, black hipster. all that really came to mind was, "I could've left on my jeans and tee."

out comes kim, the stylist. she's an unattractive woman with unbrushed weave but a nice personality. we talk, she feels my hair and says, "okay, i'm going to use mizani on your extra thick hair"...

mizany? really? that's all you got? I used mizany 11 years ago,when it was the lye 'du jour', before the days of affirm. i mean, it's no motions (vomit!), but mizany? you don't have anything new and improved? whatever.

her assistant with arm tats bases me. 20 minutes later, she takes me to the back room where there are only two sinks. it looks like someone's room where you just keep ish hidden. tubs of relaxer all around, broken sink chair, extra fabric lying around... i was like , "this place is raggedy." She relaxes my hair in a pattern i've never had done before (she makes rows like she was cornrowing my hair straight to the back). needless to say, by the time she got to the right side of my head, my left side was tingling... then burning. She exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, are you serious?!?! I based you good! You scratched, didn't you? OMG, I hope this relaxer takes." *in your best NY hoodrat voice*

No I hope this regular ass mizany relaxer takes!

She works it in despite my squirming; rinses, washes, repeats. Conditions, rinses, and sets me under the dryer.

Wait, no flat wrap? no setting lotion? no rollers??

No, they don't use rollers at the salon. I get my hair blown out by her and then kim finally touches my hair. she flat-irons it straighter than straight so she can trim it. then she flat irons it into a style.

So we just all about the quadruple heat up in this place? I'm good on that. I like my roots straight. My hair, I don't want "movement". I like hair to feel thick and healthy; not flat and anemic. Also, if that's what y'all were going to do, I could've gone to the dominicans for $40.

so yeah, like my search for a church, the hunt continues. until then, i will get the domis in bed-stuy to roller wrap my hair, holla.

Ice Cold

Look at me! I live in Brooklyn!

Wait, did someone say Brooklyn? I live there too!

I live in Brooklyn... but the west side.

We're roommates and we live in Brooklyn Heights, right by the B.Bridge.

Meh, I live in Brooklyn, but who cares?

Brooklyn party over here!!

Y'all see what I'm dealing with? These people are too cool for me.

Church Search

As I was sitting in one of the most beautiful episcopalian churches I've ever had the pleasure of worshipping in, I realized I felt empty. Why wasn't the stained-glass moving me? Why weren't the turrets and pointed arches making me swoon with joy at worshipping in God's house? Why was what the father was saying going in one ear and out the other? The only thing that came to mind was, "Ooh, I'd like to come here on Christmas. I bet it's even more beautiful... and full."

Yeah, in the gaping cathedral of St. Ann and the Holy Trinity Episcopal Church, there were all of 40 people, including the choir and clergy. Why the meager congregation? That of course was mostly people my parents age (and older)? I had to think of my own episcopalian journey.

You're little. You go to church because your mom goes to church. You look forward to Sunday school cause that's when you see friends who don't live in your neighborhood or don't go to your school.

You get a little bit older. Your First Communion has come and gone, you take a little bit more responsibility with what's going on. But not that much, you're just excited you can kneel and still see over the pew. You still go cause mom goes.

You're in high school. You hear other classmates and students talking about church retreats, Youth Choir, Teen Bible Study... you start to wonder, "What's up with my church? How come we're so boring?" You may even visit a friend's church and you're really amazed at the energy levels outside the Roman Catholic fold. Is that how church is supposed to be?

You're in college now. You attend the non-denominational church on campus. It's better than your church at home (see: less Catholic based) but you get the feeling it's more for show. Still searching for that perfect fit.

In talking to students from across the country and reading books they read, you find out being an Episcopalian is not such a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it's kind of the haute thing on the low. But you can't just be a black Episcopalian, you have to be born into it. Otherwise, you just don't get it. You get it.

You find a church. It's a black episcopalian church in the South. Just the right mix of tradition and soul. You go to church every Sunday, listening to the canon preach. At times, you visit other churches and you realize what you thought was fun and excitement in high-school really isn't your style. You invite your friends but they are not that into it. That's fine.

But now you're post-bacc. Definitely old enough to make your own decisions, drive to whatever church you want to go to. You're not bound by mommy or lack of transportation (college). So you try and find that perfect episcopalian church. But what do you see? Tons of old people. Whether they are old blacks (St. George's) or old whites (St. Ann's) you wonder, "Where are the me's of the Episcopal church? Is it that it's not dynamic enough to capture the hearts and minds of Gen X and beyond? Is it that growing up in the digital age, who needs to 'stand up and sit down' when I can find a church app on my ipaD? Do we need a Steve Jobs to do some image and brand consulting? Why don't we go to church?"

On a brighter note, the church in the hood was definitely more packed than the one downtown. But I don't want to mingle with people dying every month. I want some youth and energy in the sect I know and love. I love being an Episcopalian. I love the structure and tradition and antiquities. I love how it came to be... but I don't understand why 18-30 somethings don't feel the same way I do...

Random Thoughts

I'm trying out a new episcopalian church today. Last week, I went to St. George's in Bed-Stuy. It was cool, LOOOOOVE the atmosphere. I think it might be a big long-winded with alllll the singing they do... then again, I was late and there a baptism. But what rubbed me the wrong way was 1. All the old people and 2. This one woman who sat by me and was trying to tell me what to do.

Ma'am. I've been an episcopalian since I can remember. Look at my Book of Common Prayer, my full, govermental name is embossed in gold leaf. Where's your book? Oh. I know what I'm doing, stop being so aggressive.

But then after church, when it was time to shake the canon's hand, she made it seem like she brought me into the fold. "Yes, Canon Miles, this is Stacey and she's visiting us today. I told her I hope she will join us again!" I definitely looked at her like she had 8 heads! Ma'am! You are. showing all the way owt right now!

So I went to a street fair in BS yesterday... the people of BK are so... wanna be boho chic. Let's see who can wear the dirtiest chucks (or Toms if you're white), the most wooden bracelets, have the biggest or longest or most colorful natural. It looks like american apparel meets goodwill store. I mean, it's cool to be all earthy/creative if that's your thing. I have a friend who dresses like BK and has been forever (Morganza). But it's coming off in a pretentious way. IDK, I just don't want be looked at like "The Man" b/c I'm wear regular jeans, a powder pink wife beater and a lemon yellow cotton pea coat. I can't get with wearing polka dot harem pants, floral bustier, and brown oxford booties. I will never be cool enough to pull off that look.

Yo, school is getting better and better. When I used to have to stay till 6pm to figure out what I'm doing the next day, thus making it a 11 hour day, easy; I now leave around 515, 520. That's HUGE! I'm getting the routines down but guess what? We're getting a schedule change this Monday :-( WHYYYYYYYYY? LOL

I want to see my friends more often. I mean, I cry when I'm coming from Harlem at 10pm but guess what? I used to live hundreds of miles away!! What's a 1.5 hour trip on the subway???

I need to hit up my living soshul specials. I know I'm missing out on some awesome restaurants. And laser hair removal! Hello, underarms!

Yes, that's where i'd try first. They are the most public, kind of. Well, I will say they're the most offensive if out of control. Legs? I don't care what you think abt them. But also, if there's scarring or hyperpigmentation, it's under my arms! If it works out and I can tolerate the pain, lower legs. Then upper legs. Then bikini line.

I need a kid-friendly Halloween costume. Oh yes, the System goes all out for the 31st! I was thinking zombie since our class loves Thriller soooooooo much, lol. Either that or a superhero. Wonder Woman is not really scandalous, right? It's not like sexy officer or firelady...? I will keep you posted!

Thanksgiving plans are being made all around me... what do my plans entail? I'm going to check with my sister and see where she's going. Maybe to her BFs, maybe home.

New Years! Where will I be?? I mean, I am in New York already and I've never seen the ball drop in Times Square!! But I still have other cities in mind. Denver was so much fun last year!! Miami, Atlanta, DC, Denver... I need a Dallas or Houston New Years on my map! This train of thought will also be continued!

Okay personas, that's me and what running around in my head! TTYL!

The Post-It Note

Me *bright, happy tone*: I'm already thinking of the next city I want to live in... I can used to this gypsy lifestyle!

Pops *deadpan*: you need to get married. then you and your husband can decide on the next place to live.

*record scratch*

Me: ...

or not.

Pops: yes. that's the next step. that's what you need to be thinking about.

Me: who says that's the next step?

Pops: *raises hand*

Me: so if I don't do that step, I'm a failure at life? I'm worth nothing if I don't get married in the next year or two?

Pops: I didn't say that, but that's the way you do things. You grow up, get married, and have kids. you're at that step right now.

Me: that's the way it USED to be. not everyone is meant to live that life. who's to say I am? you have your wife and kids. congrats on passing life.

Pops: well, that's what human beings do. they get married and have children. they watch their children grow up. they graduate from high school, then college, then they work. then marriage and then children. and you will do the same. it's natural.

Me: if you want me to get married and have children, i can do that tomorrow. since that's the end goal of life, i can be married tomorrow and have a grand for you in nine months. you let me know what you want me to do.

Pops: no, do it the right way.

Me: the right way is to live life as happy as possible. it's safe to say i'm passing, thanks.

Pops: yeah, well keep that in mind.

Me: ok. i will put a post-it note on my mirror "Don't forget to get married."

take time to breathe

I have to remind myself to do that. Take time to breathe, talk to loved ones, eat... if not, this NY pace will eat me alive.

even in the boroughs, I feel like i'm in constant movement during the week. I really feel like i don't have time to do anything but go to work and come home to sleep. i get meals in when i can and the only communication i have is via twitter. yeah, i don't talk on the phone during the week. definitely not a complaint; i'd rather text or IM anyway but for those people who don't text or IM, man.

but it's saturday. my favorite day of the week. regardless of the weather, i'm going to take the bus in the opposite direction of where i usually go and just ride around. or maybe i'll take it farther than my usual stop (lafayette [target]) and see what's beyond.

what i need to do, kind of like my food wish list from this summer is write down all the things i want to do on the weekend. visit the brooklyn academy of music is one. try a new restaurant is another. and my co-workers have drinks every friday but they've gone to the same watering hole 3 weeks in a row. project p.arlour on myrtle (the hipster part) is cool but can we venture out? also, even though zag.at has thoroughly gone in on drinks that are doing the most, those drinks with interesting ingredients actually interest me. yes, I want to try a tenocht.itlan, a drink with hot mexican cocoa powder, a hint of gunpowder, and coconut milk (comparable to a white russian, lol. this was at project parlour but i already had three drinks).

blue note. i have to go there.

MoMA and 'nem (i wish they were free like the smithsonians, *grumble*)

eataly. have to go there to eat, not just marvel like a kid in a candy store.

must go back to grand central and eat some more oysters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so many things to eat and see, so much time!!!!

anyway, trying to make the most of this new york life i chose to live. and i need to before i totally shut down for the inevitable winter!!! Yes, your girl bought another down bubble. it's just like green one i bought two weeks ago but it goes down to my shin. and this is in addition to the x-ray jacket like peacoat my uncle bought me last week. what i really need are more sweaters and pants! maybe that's what i will do today... go to somebody's macy's.

ooop! today is saturday! MEXICAN CORN!!!!!!

alright y'all! make the most of today! it's yours!

Mood

1. waking up late put a rush on my whole day. i couldn't catch up.

2. i really take Cowboy losses hard. harder than knicks losses.

3. Sept 11 hit me hard this year. maybe it's cause i'm actually in NY and can't believe this bustling place (NYC), home to 8 million people, was knocked down to its knees. it's mind blowing that so many lives were lost in one fell swoop. but then countless lives were and are still affected as a result.

4. i'm really annoyed that i'm still living out of two giant suitcases but every time i go to tar.get, they want to act like it's still 'back to school' and be out of the most basic supplies... like hangers.

5. my hair is longer than it's been since i bobbed it in 2003. i don't think i like it. also, i remember when i was able to go 2 weeks without washing it. now 10 days drives me crazy with all the shedding and dust.

6. my school says no jeans WHATSOEVER. the CEO actually said we should be a step below evening wear. that was kind of a joke, but not really... ummm, do you have ann tailor, bananananana repub, calvin kleinfeld money? oh.

7. i don't own enough pants. i have tons of express shirts and not enough bottoms to wear them with. i used to be able to wear them with jeans and heels and look awesome. *eye roll*

8. the bus took over half an hour to come today. in what world is that acceptable? them joints are more reliable in 3rd world countries.

9. i feel like crying. so much so that i'm listening to music that jog memories. but not enough to listen to lauryn hill.

10. i get a deduction from my paycheck to pay for a monthly transportation card. i have yet to see that mug but best believe the deduction was taken. fix my ish. i'm tired of trying to find a train station to refill my MTA card.

11. i hate that my mood is tied to my hair.

The state of mind which enables a man to do work of this kind is akin to that of the religious worshipper or lover. The daily effort comes from no deliberate intention or program, but straight from the heart.

Albert Einstein

Happy First Day of School!

Twits

I swear there is NOTHING better than watching (or not watching) an awards show on Twitr!! iDied this morning playing catch up! Some of my favorites? (edited)

@elon Nikki's outfit just let me know i'm too old for this ish.

@dmg shoutout to collins for the malcom x finger point when they flashed bieb's eyewear *snickering right now*

@court i like gaga better when she's wearing meat or kermit the frog

@e nikki calling wayne the best rapper alive reminds me of whitney calling bobby the king of rnb

@fresh amber rose mad AF she didn't think of the pregnancy red carpet stunt

@GP katie ain't been right since she got with cruise. she always looks she wants to tell us something but it afraid to speak

(re: CB) @court and your suit! RT@chav that ninja stole my moves!

@aki the wrong one RT @rj what key is she singing no scrubs in???

@gha wait, the dude who opened the vma was lady gaga!?!??!?! i'm so confused!!

*i glanced by my cousin watching it online, i thought it was bruno*

@marev bey is performing in clothes. that's all the preg confirmation you need

@tray the fact that it's time for a britney tribute means i'm getting old

@dani bey just ishted on y'all with that sexual chocolate mic drop #preggers (dying right now!!!)

@kko soooo, they kept the marriage private but announced the baby on the vmas.. oh. ok.

@kko watch kim k push back her baby so she won't have to compete with bey's. kris will NOT be having that!

@kko nikki gonna try this gaga move at BET awards next year lol

@paris people must really be disappointed that the only costume change gaga made was from a fonzie suit to a drunk fonzie suit

@yuno gaga, why you no look right with regular clothes on?

@fresh can't you just see it now? mama tina gluing little stones on booties and making asymmetrical onesies...

@pat why wayne got on tights tho?

@jam of all the BET endings...

i don't even need to watch!

but i will.

I Survived!

Really? I come to NY and the city has a hurricane? It hasn't seen once since 1938 but 4 weeks into this mug and here come Irene with alllll the pandemonium to boot.

It must be the south florida in me. I do NOT believe ANY of the hype. I was very surprised my brother text me, "You ok?" Yes, why wouldn't I be? We used to HATE fielding phone calls from UK, Ghana, and the US whenever hurricane season was on 10. Yes, we did appreciate the concern but we're here and we know sensationalism sells. Boy, does it sell.

Then there was TMI getting all up in arms b/c I was sooooo nonchalant about I.rene... like, he really got an attitude with me cause I started laughing at him trying to tell me how to live during a hurricane. "Make sure you have water! Stay away from the windows! Charge your phone just in case the power goes out! Get some flashlights! They say this will be the storm of a lifetime!"

-_-

Really? Cause I haven't been living in hurricane ally for the past 29 years. You know what my storm of a lifetime was? Hurricane Andrew. Cat 5. You know what another storm of a lifetime was? Katrina, Cat 5. She tore up the gulf while I was in Tally.

This is my thing. There is an exact science to hurricanes. As random and powerful as Mother Nature can be, there is no such thing as random. Let me explain myself and her for a split second.

1. I.rene was a Cat 3 when she was down in the warm waters of the Atlantic. Guess what happens to storms as they come up the east coast? the water gets cooler and they get weaker.

2. Her eye was never really developed. A bout-it hurricane has a definitive eye, as clear as a doughnut. She didn't have one. the literal center of her being was raggedy. When it is not crystal clear, dry air gets swept up into the bands/storm and basically deflates it.

So cooler water + dry air... you see where I'm going?

Now the argument TMI and others were trying to make was, "Well, the buildings aren't built for hurricanes like they are down in Florida! you need to make sure you're on the 10th floor or lower!"

I live on the 3rd floor in Brooklyn. Please calm down.

Now maybe there will be a time when a hurricane comes and shows my behind what it's made of. I am definitely not doubting nature and it's power. I will tell you this, I am NOT one of those people who say "Oh yeah, we're going to tough it out." (see: white trash in their trailer homes). If I was back home and the mayor of my town told me to evacuate or find a shelter immediately, I will heed. I just seriously doubt that "hurricane of a lifetime" will be up here. I truly believe NYC went into a frenzy as a pro-active instead of reactive measure. For that, I applaud the city. Someone brought up the Blizzard at a press conf and Bloomberg said, "What does the blizzard have to do with this? That was unexpected. This, we plan for and we take action." Get it, Bloomy!

Now we have to stay tuned for winter and the snow that is sure to come! I know Jameil cannot WAIT for my suffering :-(((((((

On another note, school has been canceled for me tomorrow! I am excited! I get to go to school and finish up the last details I didn't get to and just shoved in teacher storage, lol! I will print out some activities and throughly plan my day :-) Summer vacay is almost over!!

Rants, Ramblings, Whatever

So last week was a bit more positive than this week. Chill out, I'm allowed to not be cheery miss sunshine every once in a while; I believe in balance, thankyouverymuch.

1. The school i will be working at is the newest in the System. So for some weird reason, our principal feels like we should see the 7 other schools and how they get down. i live in BK. for me to be at the BX school by 7am means i have to get up and going by 430 am. it's still dark. that can't be safe. my main gripe is this: you have to have 3 years teaching experience to become a teacher in the System. Why would watching another teacher go thru her routine help me in mine? Yes, I can pick up a few pointers here and there but ma'am, traveling to harlem and BX is just plain ridiculous.

2. i've been here for two weeks now. in those two weeks, i've been talked at and lectured every.single.workday. from 8am to 5 pm. what more is there to learn that i just checked my work email and found out we have another session at 8am... MY GOSH! DO YOU PEOPLE EVER STOP TALKING?!!?

3. 3 hour meetings must stop. call us together at the end of the day for a hour debrief every day. don't call us one day at 10 am and keep us till 120pm and then call another meeting at 3pm. that can't happen. people stop listening after 2 hours. and i get hungry for some real food, not some freaking cheesits you pass around. i've already devoured the almonds i had in my bag, let me go eat some food.

4. $95 for a retouch?? GTFOOHWTB

5. $103 pp for a prix fixe menu? GTFOOHWTBS

6. people who don't take out their wallet before the bus gets here.

ma'am. you know you're getting on the bus in t-minus 6 minutes. why must you stand in the stairwell, fumble thru your purse and take out $2.25 in change? OMFG.

7. some say it's better to use cash but not me. I have cash in hand, it disappears. I like using my card cause i have a running total of my balance in my head. with cash, i think, "Oh, it's already taken out *SPEND*" the lack of businesses that takes cards appalls me. i understand we're in Bed-stuy and most people don't have a bank account but cash their checks at the bodega, but is the fee that much that you can't have a card reader? i hate you. but i love you at the same time cause Lord KNOWS i'd be fat off of pizza, ribs and fried fish if my food spots took cards! Yum!!! LOL

wasn't that a good segway into positive?

8. like my dearest friend Jameil, I loooooooove a good meal. where she finds utter joy in collecting the esoteric ingredients and preparing delectable dishes, I want to find a restaurant that will feed me well. throw in awesome atmosphere and a good drink, i'm yours forever. New York has alllll that. It has the zagat rated hole in the wall rib joint in bed-stuy. it has the always fun habana outpost in ft. greene. then... it has kittichai in soho

*fans self*

Dani and I will be going there next week. I'm going to pee on myself if Sunday doesn't get here right now!!!!

9. events.

yo, talking to my dad, he was like, "Don't forget to catch a Knicks game. And tell your uncle Spike to sit down!" LOLOLOLOL!!!!!! I AM IN KNICKS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO CATCH A GAME!

ummm, there are free music fests here like, alllll of the time. i missed when mos def had his free concert in BK and then the morning shows always have someone performing during the summer... (i missed maroon 5 too)

10. i have more friends here :-) it was tough being so far from everyone. with my mom gone, it was me and pops and koko. but that was more likely me and koko with my dad's voluntary work schedule. up here, i can hop on a train to see at least 4 friends or see my family in LI. and flying anywhere out of NY is cheaper than flying out of PBI, i know that for a fact.

Ok, here's to focusing on the positive and minimizing the negative! negative is going to happen, as long as i vent, put it in the air and be done, i should have a great year!

Things I Know Now

This will be a piggy back off of (lol, I was about to '@' you) Dani Colored Glasses' post about moving to NY and not knowing what the deal was.

1. Flo Jo beneath every NYer.
So true. I WAS too cute to run up a flight of stairs yesterday and that made all the difference in an air conditioned seat, getting to the city in a timely manner, not being harassed by the late night locals and... my car having DCG's uncle serenading us in Patois. Not again.

2. The Cute Commute.

I thought I could make my commute to Harlem in my nude patent leather pumps and back. After all, I'm just walking a few blocks to and from the train stations...








FACE.






Those stairs and platforms and more stairs and more platforms and breezeways and under-underground tunnels and transfers via a totally different platform and construction on the platform leading to detours to a split level platform? Then the standing and waiting for a train or for your walk signal? *whimper* I wore cr.ocs for 48 hours straight. Not even my trusty steve madden flippies but crocs. I wanted to marry them, they were so good to me.

3. The all encompassing Tote.
I don't know how they do it. They have these lone-shomp totes with EVERYTHING in them!!! They talk about running to work in their asics, break out the full tupperware of salad, toppings, and dressings, the camelb.ak water bottle, two pieces of fruit, their mac, molesk.ine, iP.ad, umbrella, and tor.yburch flats. Where does it all go?? I have this denim GAP tote which I ADORE and all I'm carrying is the mac, my wallet, and my keys. and I want to die. I'm a wristlet kind of girl. Adjustment is tantamount to survival.

4. Weather Expert.
Yeah, I came home and ordered the isht out some rain boots. Why I didn't order them the FIRST time I got rained on and feet street wet, I have no idea but just know that I am on the hunt for an ankle length northfase bubble with a hood/snorkel BEFORE winter gets here.

and I'm going to find it.

5. Scarves

I have no problems with scarves. I love my solid color jones new york joints with a passion. I have red, dark pink, orange, yellow, wisteria, black, and cream (need blue and green, peeps). How many of them did I bring with my in my packing haste last week? Nun. But, for whatever reason, my leopard print blanket of a scarf was in my carry on from when I bought it in the DMV this past June and that's what i decided DIDN'T match my dress and therefore wasn't coming with me last night.

Then the sky opened. I had nothing to protect my hair, I had nothing to keep me warm on the train, I had nothing. Again, back to that "too cute to commute" tenet. Ima learn, lil mama, Ima learn. There is NOTHING cute about a skinny black girl shivering on the train looking like a drenched kitten.

7. Personal Space

I'm African. There is no such thing as personal space. We leave all doors open and damn you to nigeria if you think you're going to close/lock the door while you're taking a shower (that's what shower curtains are for). I've told you years ago, the first time I slept with a door closed was my first night at Hampton. This issue doesn't bother me at all. I just want to get on the train. Let my ass in. I missed the last one trying to be cute, remember?

I have even thought of asking guys if they would mind me sitting on their laps. I would never EVER do that but this has crossed my mind:

I wonder if he would mind me sitting on his lap. My feet are killing me in these damn pumps. I should just sit and see if he would object, yeah...

Not only that, but if you do happen to get a seat on a crowded train, be prepared to have someone's junk in your face. Yep. The seats are that low. Full.frontal.

8. Up/Downtown

It makes so much sense to me now. I was truly confused for the longest time and it's because I'm not used to the word 'uptown'. We have a Downtown. It's where City Place is. Oh yeah, the courthouse but more importantly, City Place. Here, uptown is going... up! Downtown is... down! I used to think all of Man was 'Downtown' just based on my schemata (where the action and business take place) but many many train rides and begging MTA officials to let me in cause "I know I just swiped my card but that was across the street and that was the wrong way", I got it all figured out. If I want to go home, I go Downtown and keep going till I'm not even in Man anymore but in BK, across the water. If I want to go to the System, I go Uptown till I'm damn near in The BX.

9. Cabs.

I've taken two. I'm not there yet. If I can't get there by bus or train, I don't need to be there. I'm kidding. That's a stupid way to think but I need to wrap my head around using cash and then I think I'll be more open to them. Lord knows, I could've used one last night.

9. Personal Entertainment.

There was a point in time when I didn't charge my itouch until I was going on a trip. I used it that infrequently. Now, I am PISSED if I didn't charge it the night before. Music... shit, just the headphones alone give you personal space. I know you see my earbuds in, don't talk to me about my superman tattoo it's not that big of a deal. It's a tat. I'm in NY and VERY mild compared to the population.

I do like reading the AM NY (or something like that) just to get a heads up on what's going but what usually happens is i play bejeweled and listen to itoons on shuffle. I've been hearing some songs I didn't even know I have and I like them!

10. Be present

Yo, this came to me as I was walking home from the train station. BE PRESENT. As I was swimming home and thinking about the wonderful shower I was about to take in BLEACH, I thought, "Yo. I just left freakin Manhattan after a night with some girlfriends. I am walking in the rain in Brooklyn, New York. I am walking HOME in BK. I am here. It rains. So what?

Enjoy each moment as they come b/c it could've been a totally different ball game. TOTALLY different. I don't have that much money. Buying plane tickets with less than 48 hours turn around (and checked bag fees, grrr) is pricey. Trying to make your new place as comfy as possible and freaking transportation costs money. My MTA card def had $0.50 and I knew if I used my card I would be left with the negative absolute value of that in my account (FRIDAY, I NEED YOU HERE LIKE I'VE NEVER NEEDED A FRIDAY BEFORE) but whatever, I am freaking HERE.

and there is my first week in New York! LOLOL i'm loving every moment of it!

An Educator's Rant

So. To bring everyone up to speed, I moved to NY last Sunday after getting word I was hired by a prestigious charter school of documentary fame. All aboard? Let's go.

Between Te*ach4America and NY Fell.ows, I just wonder how many actual educators we have in the System (my pseudonym for the...network of schools I now work for). Seeing how TFA is el negro nuevo or the new law school, I feel like my profession is being flooded with trust fund babies who majored in existential russian literature at sarah law.rence or ceramics at uc*la. For instance, my assistant majored in publishing...








Publishing.










PUBLISHING.



And after graduation two years ago, went to live in france for two years to learn the language. After two years of cafe conversations, she "felt a pull to do more with her life" and that brought her to the System. And now she's in my classroom as an assistant but more like a co-teacher. And b/c she worked at the System during summer school, I can already tell she thinks she knows more than me abt teaching. For my HU people, she's like the students who went to pre-college. Shut.up. You were here for a full 4 weeks before us, you cut your summer short, dummy.

Now I'm not saying the only people who should be teachers should have majored in education, I'm def not saying that b/c there are TONS of people who missed their calling, who were coerced into a certain major (hello? I'm "supposed" to be a pharmacist and then a pediatrician??). As a matter of fact, Jam's cousin was a business major at FAM and he wo teacher of the year a number of times. That's all fine. But more often than not, I feel like people get into education cause they feel like it's a last resort. Maybe their major didn't pan out; it was harder than they thought, whatever. We've all had that teacher who knew their subject BUT COULD NOT TEACH. I remember a math teacher at SHS. He was a mathematician. He was not a teacher. He knew math upside down and inside out. But since he didn't major in secondary education with a math emphasis, he didn't know how to TEACH. He didn't take pedagogy, foundations, development, etc. You know I actually took classes that TAUGHT me how to TEACH each subject? (Of course you know.)

I'm all for teaching and people wanting to be teachers. The profession and the country needs more teachers. What we don't need are bry.nma.wr grads thinking they are doing the world a favor by "trying this teaching thing out". In three or four years, when you're "over" working in Harlem and there's a sudden shortage of teachers b/c it's "on to the next one", then what?

dream weaver

how you doin lil shawty, let me whisper in your ear

tell you somethin that you might like to hear...

it really blows their minds when you tell them you are totally capable of thinking about relationships the same way they think of them.

'they' being men.

it's okay. just tell them they are doing a good job.

pulchrum est paucorum hominum

'beauty is for the few' as in Niet.zsche's 1885 The Antichr!st. I don't know how I came across this line but it turned up in a search a few weeks ago and I've been digging it ever since.

I am a little bit obsessed with looks. Not in a way that I would alter anything I was blessed with (outside of orthodontics) but just how looks affect interactions. There are people who I think are unattractive and have unsavory personalities to boot. I often wonder where to they get off acting like that looking the way they do. Then there are people who I swear look good because their personality is awesome or they carry themselves with the perfect balance of humbleness and confidence. I dated a guy in high school who every one would agree was not the best looking but he was loved by everyone. Then there was the cutie with a shit personality...

what makes a certain person attractive? Is it that perfect ratio (1:1.6)? Does everyone have their own ratio? When do you cross the line into straight up preference? is beauty really in the eye of the beholder?

l'etranger

something is wrong with me.


















actually, nothing is wrong with me.

i just think you all will think so. just don't judge me when i come undone. it's time.

united colors

with so much drama in the PBC it's kinda hard being S-T-A-C-E but uhhh, somehow someway I keep pulling these crazy ass crackas like, every single day.

my dad said stay away from WBs. it's not that i'm attracted to them only. i'm attracted to whatever physical feat i'm digging at the time. fluffy? had several black ones and a white one. athletic? ditto. diminutive? did that (black ones are worse). if i think you're good looking, i'ma look. you can be black, white, latino, hispanic... i'm trying to get up on someone's bollywood prince but they aren't down here in the numbers i need. whatever the case, i was telling Jam about this WB in high school and i casually mentioned he had a crush on me when she interrupted with the, "Damn! You are the most WB loved black girl ever! WB shole love them some Stace!"

it's true. i've had a WB boo since the days of biker shorts and side ponys. it's very interesting; the dynamics between a WB who likes black girls and myself in comparison to full on black relationships i've been in. (more on that later)

but just cause you like me, does that mean I have to like you??

and there it is people.

as of right now, i'm trying to get up on that indian tip and stay in my lane. but if a Patel wants to holla, I'LL HOLLA!

Random Thoughts

How do bulemics do it? It takes a sad and twisted person to purposefully vomit day in and day out. The once or twice I throw up every other month has me wanting to take my life. More recently (see: 230 and 1000am), I think some funky avocado made its way into my JB roll, no cream cheese. I even went as far as saying, "uh oh, I think I may only like avocado with cilantro and lime cause this is not getting it *nom*" Yeah... my throat still hurts.

My trip to NYC was one of the best trips ever. I think mostly cause I went by myself and could do whatever I wanted. Not saying I don't like traveling with people but it seemed to be twice as fun with half the party. Add that to my cool ass vet uncle (Pops' baby brother) who was either at the hospital or making house calls and it was a dream come true. I spent money ONLY on food, got to see a ISHT ton of my dear friends, got my hair did and... got some grey Js. *swooning*

Yeah, back to school is around the corner. Valmart (said like a german) has put out the BTS boxes and I didn't appreciate that. But unlike last year, I'm not pressed or depressed abt what this year will bring. Actually, last year at this time, I was interviewing with DC and putting all my eggs into a DMV basket. This year? Let go and let God. Life is so much more peaceful when you adopt that mantra.

Jameil called me a drunk. Why? Cause I spent my whole Tally trip oohing and ahhhing over baby boys. Former BFFs have sons that are 10 days apart and I LOVE them so much! Lil K is the younger and more serious of the two. He's too cool already and maybe a stubborn handful with his lil Taurus self. Lil P is a charmer! All he does is giggle and babble! He's going to be a handful in a different way with HIS Taurus self!
Regarding their moms, Pops said their strollers are going to bump into eachother at Babies R Us and they will reconcile. Ok, TV ending.

Oh yeah, speaking of babies, the week I reactivated FB (for Jam & Rah's pics), I saw a high school classmate of mine is expecting her own little boy this November.

And since I mentioned Jam and Rah, ima need the new Mrs. W to cough up the post on how to plan a fun and fab wedding in 28 Days. That hoe weren't playing! Her goal achieving prowess is almost scary, y'all...

I am very excited abt my car payments. By paying a small $4 more than asked, I am taking my 60 month term down to 44 months. Oh yeah, I split my automatic payments up to twice a month (coincide with paydays). Seems less painful that way (to me).

Our dog, Koko Lopez has atopic dermatitis. She's itchy and scratchy all day :-( Poor Koko Chanel :-(

It took forever but I was able to pay a ticket, reinstate my license, get new insurance, and renew my tags. This was the first time I've ever had to do them myself! Yeah, the car is mine but Pops did it last year. I felt like such a big deal when it all was finally said and done. Can you imagine driving around with nan notta one part of your driving situation right? Chamillionaire had NOTHING on me... well, unless he had a gun, open container, and some drugs. I wasn't that dirty, sheesh. I'm a teacher guys!

I am going to start practicing my piano again. That and finish reading Zen. Then I will tackle its sequel, Lila. And let's see if I can manage one more trip to NY... I still have to food spots to try!

Alright y'all! TTYL!

New Wave

i feel it creeping up; a new wave of selfishness. a feeling where i don't want to answer to, check-in with, clean up for, pick up, drop off, spend time with, nada for no one. I just want to enjoy me and my time the way I see fit. no sharing of time, space, food, sheets; NOTHING. and i want to do these things without being made to feel bad about them.

this feeling stems from the trip i was scheduled to take. at first, it was like, 'ok, i'll go back to DC. he's buying, i'm flying (literally)'. as the day to leave came closer and closer, i realized, 'i don't want to go back. i didn't have fun; there's no point in me going up there just to sit around or have fake fun. why am i going again? oh yeah, cause he told me to.'

if i can just secure a job somewhere, anywhere else, i will then feel confident enough to leave the false comfort of home. i can't just move on a leap of faith. as much as i admire people who up and go with the belief they will find something when they get where they are going, i will never be that person. i need a job. i need to pay bills. it's one thing to not have a for real ass rent but the money that you are supposed to be saving only goes to material things you buy to make yourself happy.

anyway, i'm trying to get out of this pointless trip and this coddled state of mind.

A Nightmare

I walk into a portable with only student desks and a long table present. On the long table, I see my book, a collectable 1st edition hard-cover version of ZAMM separated from its binding; pages ripped out. Dust jacket was removed from the book and on the floor. I run to the table and grab the book like it's a child's lifeless body. It might as well have been. I look at my brother looking bored while surfing the internet at a now present teacher's desk.

"Who did this!? How could this happen?!?"

Without looking up from the screen, he shrugged.

"Stanley!! What happened?! How could you let your friends to do this my book!? This is my book! My FIRST EDITION ZEN!!!! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!??!

"It's not that serious."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!? Only ANIMALS would do something like this! Your friends are ANIMALS!"

"Really? Animals? You're calling human beings animals because they ripped a book?"

I stared at him in disbelief. My eyes couldn't get any wider. I grabbed my tattered book to my heart and crumpled to the ground.

"Whyyyyyy? Why would they do something like this!?!?"

Then the tears. You would've thought I lost a child. I was wailing, flailing my arms. I was banging my fist on the floor. I think I was even looking towards the sky like, "Whyyyyyy, God!? Whyyyyyy!?"

I woke up and the pillow was across the room. I see I got physical and was throwing things!

Anyway, going to analyze this via dream dictionary to see what books and crying symbolise cause that ish right there, serious!

Thoughts that Cement Why I May Be Considered a B

1. do ugly people know they are ugly or do they think they look normal?

2. for real, why do Africans yell their phone conversations? you don't have to yell across the Atlantic, 'talk normal' in the phone.

3. i secretly think my dad sent me to this Ghanian wedding ("as a representative of the Ks of So.Fla") to catch somebody's eye. let it be known, i don't do straight off the plane.

4. i am so in love with the color purple now. can i let you in on a secret? the color of my bridesmaid dress? the one i was hemming and hawing about? yeah, i dig it. i got it on my nails (OPI*s 'planks. a lot') and i found a wisteria scarf. and i bought an eggplant colored dress from the G A P, and then a v-neck tee.

5. i can really go for some mango salsa right now. i think i will make some this morning and tear it up this evening.

6. this guy wanted to dance with me last night. sir, i won't dance with you and let me let you know why.

a) we're at a underground karaoke bar.

b) you have on a 'VIP' tag at said bar.

c) if i look closely, i really think you're wearing a linen 'fit'.

and this was NOT the man missing a front tooth! this was someone else!

Lastly,

Yesterday, i mentioned to someone that i hadn't gotten a perm since the beginning of april and that i may skip relaxers for the whole summer. whatever the case, i talked abt a product a mostly natural friend of mine uses* and you would NOT believe the heat i got! like, i really should've ignored the person but she got me on the wrong day at the wrong time and i went in on her!

first of all, she felt the need to let me know that #TeamNatural rules state you don't advocate a product unless you've used it yourself.

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*record scratch*

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*blink, blink*

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pause.

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hold the press.

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stop the bus, i want off.

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WAIT ONE FUTHERMUCKING MINUTE.

di-?

Did yo-?

DID YOU JUST START A SENTENCE WITH "THE TEAM NATURAL RULES...

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH, TAKE AND HAVE ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE SEATS!

after i told her where she can put those raggedy ass rules made by i guess the Boss Queen and COO of Natural People (see: some random with a u-tube channel), SHE TRIED TO DEFEND HERSELF BY SAYING, "Well maybe not rules, but there are guidelines. You know how relaxed people know to wrap their hair at night? well, there are guidelines for natural people too."

*logs off*

*she's not transitioning on purpose, she just has been working the flat iron and saw how east it was to be chemical free. it wasn't a CONSCIOUS decision, it was more a money/time crunch

hoe, siddown

i'm in a mood. send your thanks to the headache that slowly moves behind my eyes. and your neighborly early 20-something year old. they're all a bunch of hipsters.

early 20s suck.

you reeeeeeaaaally think you got it going on; you this bad bitch, thinking you got your head on your shoulders, you're so "fierce" and "fancy", got your lil degree and can't be told NOTHIN.

20s are a hazing, humbling decade. you start it off as this "rawr, hear me roar!" being and then you fade when you realize:

1. you're not invincible

2. you come a dime a dozen

3. God laughs at your well made plans

you know how many people want or need your job? how many people want or need that spot in grad school? you know how many people have that same dress, that same hairstyle? you know how many people knew about that artist BEFORE you?

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 20 BEFORE?

i feel like somebody's auntie when i say this but... calm down, chill out, slow down. no need to be the baddest, fiercest, most natural, most eccentric, the wittiest, cattiest, most anything. be yourself and everything will work out fine.

i think.

Surreal/So Real

if there's one thing I can say about 2011, it is a hell of a year. Literally starting from Day 1 when I was standing in below zero temperatures and having the time of my life in Denver to today, the past 6 months have been nothing less than eventful. But when I'd exclaim, "This can't be life!" it so really is.

january, i skipped the first two days of school to party and recoup in Denver. it was then I considered moving to a place colder than I've ever been. but ya'll know me, I want to move everywhere i visit.

february, things started getting fuzzy in my personal life. I moved out of the house and had two guy roommates. it was cool but when word got out I was living with two guys (and totally innocent BTW)...

march, I lost my fiancee and best friend in one fell swoop. we've been together half each other lives, since i was 14 and he was 15. do you know what that is like? to lose someone you love? i didn't want to die but i wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there for a very long time. every time i got sad, i wanted to call him but that wouldn't work cause i hurt him to his soul. i was stuck. school was getting tough b/c of the foolishness in administration. i was crying at the drop of a dime any and everywhere. as much as i tried to shield my children from my pain, I couldn't even do that and that in itself made me even more sad. I'd cry and their dispositions would change. their little hands would rub my back or write me notes in their journals. I still have them and will probably frame them. if i didn't have this class this year, who knows where i'd be. they are amazing children who I will never forget and love dearly.

also in march, i found my for real teacher voice. i stood up to the powers that be and honestly thought i would lose my job. i didn't, i got on her bad side, but i held my head high in the hallways and became that BITCH. I became the teacher who worked wonders with children who were deemed failures. i also became the teacher who was not the one to fuck with. no more taking backward compliments with a giggle, no more stopping what I was doing cause you think your task is more important. this school year deserves the title "Good Girl Gone Bad". No more smiling, no more fakeness. When a guy acts this way, he's assertive, he's a BOSS. When a woman acts this way, she's a B. I'll be that. The baddest one, too.

april, i moved back home *hangs head*. a friend of mine had a baby boy. my sister graduated from college. so many things about our family came out during this month... i've said it in much earlier posts; i really don't know who the good side is. i can only justify it by saying 'no man chooses evil because it is such, he only mistakes it for the good he seeks.'. not saying there are dastardly deeds going on but people aren't thinking, just doing and that doesn't work when a family is involved.

one of my oldest friends lets me know she's going thru a divorce, 6 months after her nuptials. she tells me the first 4 months were cool and after that, it became night and day. I couldn't wrap my mind around the beautiful wedding and the couple that dated for 5 years before finally wedding. then it hit me: that could've been me. I feel blessed that she shared something so painful and honestly quite embarassing with me. We talked, cried, and laughed over our eerily similar situations. She reassured me that i did the right thing by listening to my little voice. It's better to have an ex-fiance than an ex-husband. ain't that the truth.

may, i turned 29 and wish i could've just skipped to 30. my actual birthday was one of the less favorites... i shared it with mother's day and my sister's pageant. the next day was ruined by my overly concerned father. then the day after that was ruined by a sub at my school who got upset i decided not to take two days off. i get upset thinking about the big deal she made out of it...

it's been a year since my godfather passed and i wished he was here even more than ever with this past school year. his son, my godbrother is getting married in the DR. I was supposed to go with D but that pre-honeymoon wasn't going to happen. so weird telling godfamily why I can't make it. i'm still getting emails and text messages... i really thought i cancelled my MSWedding account but is see Desy dresses didn't get the memo and DB keeps reminding me my wedding is in less than 2 months so i need to get my dress NOW. *buries head in pillows, tosses phone against wall*

another friend of mine had a baby boy. two babies in 10 days. they don't even speak the other's name and they used to be tighter than might. it's weird holding one baby and wanting to talk abt the other.

june, school's out. hanging with a friend who's been dating a guy less than 6 months and they are already talking babies. Yes, he's that guy who La was talking about. They really do exist. He has names picked out for the boy and girl they are going to have. I hopped in the car and JR is telling him the important friends he's needs to know cause they'll be her bridesmaids... umm? i so missed a memo. more weddings are on deck for the year and I'm finally in a place where I can talk about them with true joy. i'm excited for my friends, i know that marriage is a beautiful thing, it's just not a beautiful thing for me right now and as of June 5, 2011, i'm deliciously okay with that.