home installation

we did a piece. it's called 'brooklyn summer night'.

there's a box fan on the floor. and two people lying down in front of it.

das it.














*BOL*

not again

"...we connect in so many ways, so easy I must say..."

It's been a looooong time since i've had the courage to say something like that about someone. the last  person i admittedly cared A LOT about (since moving to NYC) sent me on a whirlwind of flings. some lasting longer than others, some i tried to make bigger than they were worth. and i only say that last part b/c spending time with J does that thing where you realize what was wrong with everyone else.

he started it. he gave me 'to pimp a butterfly' then 'black messiah' and now here we are talking about our retainers, skin insecurities (eczema & acne), and our dislike for the bjork exhibit at the .MoM.A. singing esthero songs, admiring bushwick's street art, rocking camo... everything we do together, i immediately think of people i love and want to share the same experience with. and even when we don't do anything, it's still something. like sitting on a brooklyn stoop drinking gerwurtztraminer and looking at a starless NYC sky.

Officer AC (draft from Dec '11)

So the NYPD from Rock Center? I'll call him AC b/c he reminds me of Anderson Coop. Smallish with piercing blue eyes.

We talked and decided to hangout on Sunday. He slipped up by asking if I'm a football fan, "Ptsch! P-p-p-tsch! 'Chea!!" Then I squinted my eyes and asked, "You're a Giants fan, aren't you?" He squinted his eyes back at me and said, "Tell me you're not a Dol-phan..." Totally different divisions, he's a Jets fan and we know I like Dallas and all was well.

We met by the Brooklyn Bridge and walked to The Seaport in lower Man. Wouldn't you know, there was a tree lighting as we walked by! and then carolers! OMG, I was having a good time and we haven't even started watching football yet. While trying to decide where to watch the game, we stood facing Brooklyn.

(draft from Jan '12)

AC: I went for my run this morning now I'm heading to the gym.

Me: oh, you're a runner, cool.

AC: yeah, you mentioned you ran track, you still run?

Me: oh noooo, I'm allergic.

AC: *laughing*

Me: how far did you run today?

AC: 6 miles.

Me: OMG, what was chasing you for 6 miles?!?!

The Weekend (draft from Jan '12)

So we know my Saturday started off very mellow (see previous post) but then I remembered a co-worker (restaurant week buddy) had her friend coming into town from Boston and she wanted us to go to the Gugg. I text her to see what the deal was and she invited me to brunch at another co-worker's house. No problem, I hop in the shower and make my way to our science teacher's apt; still in Brooklyn but in a part I'd love to live (Clinton Hill, between downtown and Bed-Stuy).

Man, while I was there, I found out some deets about our school!

1. the science teacher is in a relationship with our special ed teacher. the principal called them in after our dave and buster's event b/c the chess teacher publicly (drunkly) outed them. oh. science teacher is a nigerian chick from minnesota and spec ed is a butch chick from illinois. yes.

2. boston chick is a lesbian floral/event designer

Yeah.

I get there and it's a hen-fest. First of all, they thought I was joking when I asked if they are indeed together. It took me back to days at FAMU when I finally found out things that happened in high school and people give me that look like, "Where were you? Who didn't know that? Are you being serious? You really didn't know? damn."

Dee dee dee!

Anyway, after brunch, RWB and Boston say we're going to the Gugg. We end up walking around window shopping in SoHo. But what made it hilarious was how lost we got. And SoHo doesn't have the streets and avenues like upper Man. You really have to know where you're going or you'll wander aimlessly for hours; which is what we kinda did. But it was ok b/c none of us are from th city so we were thoroughly enjoying ourselves in the relatively nice weather. The sites, smells, people and of course shops. While we were wandering, Boston kept on naming things she can't stand. It started off with the Gap. "OMG, I hate that store! It's so boring! Then chimes me, "I LOVE the Gap!" "You do? I'm calling you Khaki from now on. That store is so... ugh, khaki."

(draft from Feb '12)

She's here!

love and hate (draft from Mar '12)

I love that J. Biebs and Rae were on a 'Ye track (Runaway Love)

i hate people who take forever to leave. if you're leaving, say bye and go!

i love that I saw Ye in concert. like a college degree, it can never be taken away!

i hate that i'm not in west palm beach holding my niece.

i love that spring is almost here. the weather is getting rainy and I think it's safe to assume snow is done for the year!

i hate people that post any and everything on instagram. oh, social media. totally subjective and you gotta take the good with the bad.

i love that my brother has a brand new daughter. all that came to mind was Jay's 'Glory'.

(draft from Mar '12)

Crab cakes- white balsamic tomato jam, burger- concentrated tomato, aged cheddar, bacon onion jam, truffled fries, cinnamon sugared donuts

the beholder (draft from Mar '12)

my first question about my looks came when I was in middle school. and even then, it wasn't about my looks, it was about my skin.  puberty hit me and my face showed it.  luckily, my dad was able to get me the prescription of what we now know as OTC persa-gel and that kinda kept things under control.  well, not really, whatever. it was middle school.

in high school, i was considered "cute with an underlying sexiness."  I don't know how that combination comes about cause all i can picture is a baby chick wearing a garter belt. that's cute and sexy at the same time, right?

college. when I actually began to question BEAUTY. what makes someone beautiful? unfortunately in the black world, you can't talk about beauty without talking about skin color.  I mean you can but it always comes down to a debate and then we have to have a forum and then we have to watch school daze and then and then and then...

there was a day when i was trippin because i thought i was outside of the loop when it came to beauty. then i realized that is not the case because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  corny, right? not to me.

i have NEVER questioned my beauty, and yes, i think i'm BEAUTIFUL. of course there is someone who probably disagrees with me but guess what? he or she matters not. and THAT'S where TRUE beauty stems from, within.

i just want to SCREAM maya's poem 'rise i still' at my friend who doesn't think she's beautiful.

it hurts me that she's hurting because some people (who matter not) decided to share their thoughts with her.  i don't even know how she came across them. well, I do. I have a couple naysayers in my side of the woods, but he's been dismissed cause he doesn't know what he's talking about :-P

(draft from May '12)

1. it just hit me that i/we will be 50 years old in 20 years. 2032 IS ON THE HORIZON!

2. I know you should remember them for their beauty while it lasted but dying flowers are quite depressing!  I'm looking at the bouquet ABM sent me and they're faded and droopy now.

3. just found out an ex boo has joined the an ex-fiance club. *eyes widening*...

4. this 3 day weekend was everything I needed it to be.  filled with old friends and drinking on friday, saturday was spent re-couping and sunday was spent eating with friends.  Nothing going on today and that's fine with me.

5. i think i'm going to wash my own hair.



i always say that.

Oooh, stanky!

I was in a mood last time I posted! Sheesh!  I can't believe I'm so easily manipulated by my hormones.  It's like clockwork. Men, women actually aren't that complicated, just know their cycle like the back of your hand and you'll be good.  Know when hormones surge or dip and plan accordingly!

I bought a new black dress. It has a swooshy skirt with pockets and a deeeeeeeeeeeep v. I'm in the market for a brooch to make it less vamp.  Well, less vamp for work.  I'd love a blingy skull brooch. Onyx or it's crystal counterpart.  If not that, I'd like a blinged out rose. Rubies would be hot.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good...

i can't believe i love ni.nasimone the way I do.

(draft from Jun '12)

um, hey, umm Stacey, uhh, I got your uhh package today at my office at school, umm i'm not sure what to say but i appreciate what you wrote on the book cover and maybe that's true so i apologize if i came off too harsh but i appreicate the pocket square and the socks and uhhh that was very sweet of you i guess you can call me back when you get this, if you don't i do understand but thank you again. bye.

1652 052/365

It's snowing outside.

I would say, "I don't know why it's snowing." but that's false. I do know why it's snowing.

It's winter. And it's going to be winter for the next 4 weeks.

So with that said, ENJOY!




On another note...

I went to Cali for another YOLO trip. My new school has mid-winter recess and because it caught me off guard, I planned nothing. Nothing except to wallow in self-pity. Mercury in Retrograde was rough on a bih; I needed some time to shake it off.
At the last minute, MS invited me to SoCal to visit her family. It was a much needed getaway from NYC and all its madness.

0230

We are having class in the patio. Waiting for the math workshop teacher. Two new paras and new students come in saying they forgot it was a lockdown. I didn't even know it was a lockdown. I was telling Jere I dreamt I was ballroom dancing with my crush, not sure who it was but I was hoping and figure it was one of two people.  I realize I'm chewing gum while wearing my new retainer, i'm trying to get gum off. MC comes in and talks about the importance of a good lockdown. She sits on the tile floor. New student sits in patio chair she says no, sit on floor. He doesn't like that. He leaves patio via screen door. Other new student doesn't like that and fakes out para then leaves patio via french doors. MC says fuck and runs after him. I'm still sitting and taking the gum off my retainer.

To dream that you are in the patio represents your openness about a particular situation. 

To dream you are in a ballroom implies openness. There is an aspect of your life you need to be more open about.

To dream you are chewing gum suggests you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable.

To dream you are unable to get rid of your gum suggests you are experiencing some frustration, powerlessness or indecision. The gum in your mouth is a metaphor for something you are trying to  process or digest.

Test Dummies

Sometimes I think living in New York City is one big social experiment. I have no idea what our hypothesis is, who the scientists are, and how many variables we're dealing with but this shit right here...

0437 1/365

numinous

(adj.) -when describing an experience that make you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted - the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired. 

all that i am

"humans are so cute. when we say goodbye, we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone, we bring them flowers; we say hello by holding each other's hand, and sometimes, tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure, we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we're all just little animals falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars."

you have survived too many wars
to be breaking your own bones
just so you fit into hearts
of those
who refuse to fit you.
so darling,
walk away when they don't want you
run
remember,
leaving is sometimes loving
yourself.

monday night thoughts

blessed but unhappy.

I'm just wondering what the lesson in all this is.

and I'm wondering what I did for this kind of karma.

or the flip side, i can't even imagine what the blessing after all this will be.

i'm starting to think i'm depressed.
that would suck.

it comes down to having a haven. i don't have one anymore. and it's killing me.

i died a bit when i realized ADS wasn't my haven.
it def wasn't work or home.
and that's when isht got dark.

*

a few weeks ago, i touched upon a people tipping point. and wanting to be alone. i deactivated FB and took T off my phone. but it's not enough.

just one day. ONE DAY.
I would be so happy again.

BL v UT

it's bull shit. 

you know, the beautiful lie.

what you tell yourself to stay sane or happy.

what you look past and "don't" see.

well i just want to keep on believing 
every little thing you ever said to me
all was true and i want to be sure you adore me too
i don't wanna know when it ended for you

and when you realize it is time for the charade to end, FUCK it hurts. 

the ugly truth HURTS.

i want to be able to sleep at night
i want to hold my head up high
i wat to feel like you were always mine
but it was all just a beautiful lie.

so now here i am and i don't know which is worse.







lyrics by es.thero

forgiveness

it's hard. i wrestle with it every day. i talk to God about it. i ask Him to help me forgive and forget but my mom has always said i have the memory of an elephant.  okay, let's take forget out of the picture. can i work on forgive?

re-reading back to white, i am cleaaaaaarly holding on to a lot of pain. luckily, it rarely surfaces and i am very happy with my life but in those moments, my inability to forgive takes me down for the count. those are the dark moments for me; re-living the disrespect, lies, and heartbreak. or even worse, the moments when i "knew" but thought it would get better.

*lightbulb*

maybe i need to forgive myself first.

Renege

I take back what I said in my last post.  Why?  Because there are some moments that make you reconsider everything you thought before that instant.



Being a part of Dani Colored's wedding was one of those moments.

In being part of one of the most gorgeous weddings ever, I knew what went into that day. I pretty much have known since we were 4 years old what went into 11:23:13. Trials, heartbreak, love lost and found...and lost again. Fun times, not so fun times, countless miles, tears, laughs... and this is all before A.  But "Who Knew?"

The lesson is to not have it all figured out, just have faith cause you never know :-)


Biggest congrats to probably the only person who's literally known me as long as my own family.